Learning morality like learning to skate

Yesterday I went to the ice skating rink with the kids again. It was our 3rd time there. My 5 year old has progressed really well and it got me thinking…

Her 1st time there she could not even stand on the ice without help and I had to literally hold her up the whole time. The 2nd time there she found a “crutch” to use to get around on the ice. They have a bunch of those orange construction-site cones (can’t think what they’re called) there and the kids can hold them and skate. It’s really helpful. Plus then the highly unskilled skaters are “marked” with an orange marker!

Well, this time, she started off right away out onto the ice with one of those cones. Then, later I noticed her standing on the ice alone and I went to her, “Do you need help?”
She smiled and told me, “no.”
She had now progressed to scooting along the outer perimeter and grabbing the wall when she’d slip. It was the cutest thing!

I followed behind her and just shadowed her for the rest of the time we were there in case she needed help and of course, I was just thinking about child training and what I was doing and what would happen to her if I did something else instead…

What if when she would fall on her skates…I would make her go have a “time-out” and sit and think about why she’d fallen.

What if when she’d fall on her skates…I’d take something from her that she likes like a privilege and tell her that as soon as she can make it the whole way around the rink without falling she can have it back?

What if when she’d fall and totally wipe out and take out another kid with her…what if I’d take her off the rink and spank her?

What would any of these techniques REALLY accomplish as far as her learning to skate?
You all know it…it would crush her. It would ruin her zeal to learn to skate. It would take all the joy out of it. It would take all the pride out of her accomplishments. And, it would cause a huge rift in our relationship.

And, I know that people who are sold out on spanking being God’s way are like, “No, it’s not the same this it totally different!” But, HOW? 

Doesn’t the Bible refer to us as “falling” into sin? 
Don’t you think of the “fall” in the garden? 

Sinning is when we fail (or fall) when practicing the “skill” of being moral. And, our little kids are just as wobbly and unskilled on those “shoes” as my daughter is right now on skates.

1 Tim. 4:1 But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons…

1 Tim. 6:9 But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.

Heb. 4:11 Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.

2 Pet. 3:17 Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.

1 Cor. 10:12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.

(And, there are many others!)

If I trained her to skate the same way people train their kids to be moral…she would fall (which would be humiliating enough) and then just imagine how you would feel if you were 5 and your parent took you aside and spanked you for falling? 

Imagine it. 
Don’t you feel it? 
Don’t you almost wanna just say, “Forget it! I’m not even gonna keep trying!” That’s rebellion. 

You know, there’s this “common” stereotypical thing people expect – that teenagers will rebel. It’s as tho’ it’s a normal part of development. But, I believe it’s a normal consequence of “traditional” (kid falls and you punish them) parenting.

That’s why it’s so common for pastor’s and missionary’s kids to rebel. Those are the type of people you’re going to find to be most diligent in using physical force/coercion to get their kids to have moral behavior…

As I skated around with my little girl yesterday I was more solidified in the understanding as to how wrong it is to ever strike our children. Her precious little body with those tiny skates scooting along faster and faster…so focused…so joyful…so smiley…happy…proud she was! She’d once n’ a while slip and hang off the wall and she’d just look up at me with the cheesiest grin it was so sweet! 

And, there I was…just “ever-present” beside her…and when she fell I picked her up fast (if I didn’t catch her) or I’d catch her. I’d brush her off and comfort her. 

Twice she had a bad fall and she got really sad and I’d just pick her up and hold her tight for about 30 seconds and then she’d quit crying and get back to it again.

I just thought the whole time about how I was “being like God” just being right there to pick her up…not offering criticisms…not punishing her for failing…just following her and watching for obstacles…ready to help her…feeling so close to her and enjoying her every tiny gain in her skills…

Training your child in any skill should be a reason to whip out your camera…should be a time when you can even get tears in your eyes as you see your child growing in whatever skill it is. But, the most important skill we’ll ever be responsible for teaching our kids is normally none of that. 

A parent teaching morality is normally following behind their child not to protect them (as is the Biblical rod) but to use that rod to whack their kid every time their kid messes up. Parents follow their kid in order to criticize and to punish…and when the kid falls rather than “brushing off” the effects of their “fall” and “cleaning them up”…we treat them like dogs and “rub their noses” in it, “Look at what you did!”…and there is no enjoyment in it…

(we even now know not to rub dog's noses in their mistakes)

We make our kids feel shame about their falling…and we make them separate themselves from everyone else and “think about what they did”…we make them “dwell on their sins”…”dwell on their mistakes” and  then we wonder how they get older and can’t forgive themselves and have self hatred because they can’t get over things they’ve done wrong in the past!

The truth is just right there…right there in front of our faces every day…(Romans 1)

Once my 5 year old has the skills to skate she’s going to remember the pain that came from her own failures and the times she fell but the pain will not be remembered as coming from me. 

She’ll remember as she looks back that I was a source of safety, comfort, protection, and “salvation” from the dangers that were all around her as she learned this skill. 

Parents, your children should be able to see you that way to in the area of learning morality, because, that’s who the Bible says God is for us. And, we’re to be showing them what God is like…

Do your kids think of you with fear...and know pain comes from YOU when they “fall”? 

Do they think that getting away from you when they fall is where they are safest? 

Do they see you as following behind them to catch them (in the act) when they fall so you can cause them some pain? 

Have you made it so that they feel like it’s safer not to even try?

Colossians 3:21

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

Eph. 6:4

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Satan came to steal, kill, and destroy…don’t continue to be robbed of the most precious, awesome, and rewarding relationship that you’re supposed to have with your kids…even when they fall...

God the bodyguard and GPS: how do you use the rod in your home?

I have the great fortune of having a specific "mental picture" of "God's rod" due to my life having taken a turn to Central American once. 

I have driven many miles to many "unknown" destinations in my life...(using a paper map for most of those years, eww!) I've made wrong turns and ended up driving thru some very scary neighborhoods. I've also lived in Guatemala where I have seen people driving around with armed body guards on the backs of their trucks.

So, I see David in Psalm 23 saying that..."Though I drive thru the scariest parts of the scariest towns, I will fear no bad guys! Your ability to protect me and your guidance they comfort me!"

In the ancient times...
Shepherds carried a staff...which they used for guiding sheep.

God is The Good Shepherd...
His "staff" makes God the ultimate GPS in life.

In the ancient times...
Shepherds carried a rod with spikes on the end...which they used for fighting off predators...(modern shepherds use guns).

God is The Good Shepherd...
His "rod" makes Him one mighty powerful body guard on the back of our truck to protect us from bad guys.

Ancient shepherd's rod. 

Nothing at all like a spatula, open hand, switch, paddle or wooden spoon.

Clearly not for hitting sheep. 

Clearly capable of bringing comfort to one being protected by it.

Look at it this way, there are two options:

If you were driving thru a scary part of a strange town with an angry mob chasing you trying to kill you (the valley of the shadow of death)...would you find it very "comforting" if whenever you took a wrong turn your GPS would sometimes cause an electrical current to flow thru your steering wheel and give you a painful shock to let you know you'd made a wrong turn? 

Would you find that comforting? Or, would it make you afraid to even try and steer...making you more vulnerable to the crazed mob?


This would actually be the correct metaphor to use if the "rod" spoken of in the Bible is for striking children. And, a good question is where is God's protection here? Who is doing the protecting in this situation?

What if you were driving thru a scary part of a strange town with an angry mob chasing you trying to kill you (the valley of the shadow of death)...would you find it very "comforting" if whenever you took a wrong turn the GPS would consistently, faithfully, and patiently say, "Recalculating" and tell you which way to keep going to escape the danger and rectify each wrong turn (mistake)?

And, would it be "comforting" if meanwhile...a big buff body guard with a big buff gun was riding on the back of your truck ever vigilant to make sure no bad guys got near ya?

This is the correct metaphor to use if the "rod" spoken of in the Bible is for striking predators.

It's really so simple.

It's really so important.

God is our Father. He is our example as to how to live our lives and care for our own children. God's children feel comfort because His rod and staff...guild them and keep them safe. They would not feel comfort if that rod and staff hurt them and caused them pain.

People spank believing that the pain will drive home the message of their lesson and keep the children from going near whatever that misbehavior was ever again. They know that the use of pain is something to keep you away from something. So, how would David find God's rod "comforting" and desire to be near it if it hurt him?

However we use "the rod" in our homes...that is how our children will believe God guides them. And, if God's "rod" is the first one that hurts you whenever you take a wrong turn, I'd say that it would create a world where there is no distinction between bad guys and God because we would fear both of them. And, how sad that has to make God...

You know, the discussions about "spanking" can go round and round forever. People can play "battle of the verses" and can reason their side all day about "how" to "use the rod" that's spoken of in the Bible.

As we see, though, the Bible does say TO use it and that God does. So...there is actually a really simple "test" in the Bible to reveal to each individual whether or not they are exercising the "use of the rod" correctly or not.

It's very simple: If you use an actual "rod" of some sort...take that "rod"...and put it before your child (or if the rod has a special place it hangs on the wall or something like it did in my home just take the child over before it). Ask your child how that object makes them FEEEEEL. 

If you tell your child that you're going to go get your "rod" or that if they don't stop doing something that they will be hit with it...does that child feel comfort...or fear?

Simple.

Just ask them and listen to their answer. Don't prod them or lead them just try to get them to give you their honest answer...and then compare their response to Psalm 23...

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Your rod and your staff they comfort me."

Comfort. Does the way you use the rod in your home evoke the feelings of "comfort" in your child? If not, then something needs to be refined or adjusted in the way you use it until your child can answer that question that way.

All families are different and what works for one family doesn't work for another, true? So, the response you get from your own child about the rod is the evidence from within your own family, personal...not anyone else telling you what to do.

The only universal thing about all of our diverse families is fruit. Jesus said we'd know things by their fruits, and the fruits of God's rod produced "comfort" in His child, David...so likewise it should produce the same in our children. God is our example to follow and so if we are following His example we will see the same fruit and then we'll know that we're using the rod the way God wants us to.

So, you know your own family. You know your own kids. You know God commands that if you neglect to use the rod you hate your child.

Does the way you wield the rod in your home give your children the confidence and comfort that no matter what life would throw their way that because of you they are guided, safe, and protected?

Or...do they feel fear?

Comfort and salvation is from the Lord.

Fear...is not. It's from the other guy. 

So...who's your daddy? Who are you parenting like? The one who hurts us...or the one who saves?

Imagine you're a hungry lion...

Imagine you're a lion...and you're hungry. Up ahead you see the lion version of McDonald's. Mmmm. A huge flock of nice, fresh, yummmmmy sheep. Just drive right on thru there and pick up a few of them to go! Yes!

One problem. They're all tightly gathered around a bodyguard and he's armed with this ancient equivalent of the modern gun...

As a predator now, that's a problem. How do you get a meal?

You could kill the guard, maybe? But, he's got that big stick! Gotta get that stick away from him! What if you could find some way to convince the guard...to put down his weapon? 

Or, better yet! What if you could convince the guard...to use that weapon...on those he is protecting. Aha! Now you're talking, right? We've all watched animal shows at some point and know that predators pick on the weak, sick, and the ones who are all alone, right? And, if you can get that guard to turn and use that weapon on the sheep soon...the sheep would be weakened, sickly, and probably a lot of them would be drifting off by themselves to get away from the guard!

Ooh, and that's another good idea! Somehow convince the guard that it's good for the sheep to be left all alone. Teach those sheep to be "independent!" That way, you don't even have to worry about the weapon 'cause it'll be nowhere in sight!

Yeah. Do those things and then you'd have a really tasty meal and an easy time of it. Somebody grab the A1 sauce! Mmmm

But, what shepherd would be that stupid? Use a weapon on the sheep he's protecting? I mean...REALLY?!

The Bible says...
"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 

God chose the analogy of devil/lion to help us understand how the devil works and how to defeat him.

The reason God chose that analogy is...

"...since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse." Romans 1:20

God is teaching us through "parables" through nature everywhere we look. The more you understand about the way the world God created works, the more you know what God intends for us. It was awesome of God to do this for us in case we end up surrounded by false teachers someday. They can't change how the world works so that truth is always there for us to find...

The Bible says...
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

God chose the analogy of God as a shepherd protecting humans like sheep. When David was faced with the scariest moments of his life, it was God's staff (gps) and His rod (weapon like a modern gun) that made him feel safe. God's rod was not for David but for David's enemies.

The Bible says...

He who withholds his rod hates his son...Proverbs 13:24
God chose the analogy of shepherd/parent...because anyone back then (when it was written) would know that if you withhold your rod from your flock of sheep...you hate them because you're not protecting them from the lion.

David was a shepherd. He said that God's rod made him feel comforted because God's rod was used against the predators...just like the rod that David used to protect his sheep.

So, you're a hungry lion...aka the devil...and you see a child and you want to get to that child. But, God has designed the parent to be the child's armed bodyguard and to instinctively stick with that guard until they're strong enough to defend themselves...just like in nature. Children are designed to find comfort in their parents' guidance and protection. 

So, why is it that nearly all the "Christian" teachers about child rearing teach the parent/shepherd...to turn...and use the weapon...on their sheep/child? 

Why is it that nearly all "Christians" believe that it is good if their children "fear" them???


The lion/devil...you know...is a crafty one...
"He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44 

Your children are a precious gift from God...helpless and fully dependent on you for everything from day one. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10

So, has the devil lied to you so as to better steal, kill, and destroy in your family? Are you the armed shepherd that keeps the lion/devil away from your sheep who all know the safest place is to be as close to you as possible?  

Or, have you believed the lies that have saturated the church via men like Dobson, Pearl, Tripp, and Ezzo...and are now actively weakening your sheep/children by turning the weapon God gave you against the enemy on your children...and driving them away from the safety of your presence? 

How do you use the weapon God's given you against the devil (your rod) in your home? God says that the truth is so obvious you are without excuse... (Romans 1)

The Biblical rod yields light...

If I approached you and wanted to be your friend...and I was wearing a Halloween costume which I would never take off...how close could we ever become? If I always wore a mask or even...if I just always wore dark sunglasses so that you could never look me in the eye...how close could we ever become?

Matthew 7:22-24 

Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’

In order to really know someone you must be totally "real" with them, true? You must "be yourself." You must "be real." True? So, too, with God you can't know Him if you try to wear a mask and hide from Him.

And, have you ever considered what a mask does to the person under it? It puts that person "in darkness." The inside of a mask is dark...that's interesting, isn't it?

Ephesians 5:11-13 

Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.

Here's an example...

Your child is super mad at you and they say, "I HATE you!" and stomp off.

You could react by telling them. "You do NOT talk to me that way!" and punish them with a spanking (or something else.) You could make the punishment such that you could be sure they will know never to do that again! 

But, will that punishment remove the feelings inside them that led them to feeeel, "I hate you?" The fear of punishment will maybe stop your child from expressing that feeling to you again, but, it will leave that anger festering inside your child.

You see...focusing on your child's behavior and spanking/hitting them when they do something ugly encourages them to hide their true self from you...which is you...participating in the unfruitful deeds of darkness because you make sure that those things stay in the dark. 

Satan is the prince of darkness. He cannot operate in the light. He cannot work in the light. What you don't realize is that when you force your child to focus on their behavior...you teach your child to wear a mask and put their true faces right where satan wants them; in darkness.

The only way to bring the bad things inside your child out of the dark is for your child to live in a household where that child feels safe for those feelings to be exposed...and those things aren't pretty, are they? It isn't pretty to hear your child shout, "I hate you!" It hurts and it stirs up really unhappy feelings inside of us. But, the only way to clean the mess is to be able to see it...and love...wins. Always. It is love that will change that hate and anger to love inside your child...

If you want to use the Biblical rod with your parenting, you must use that tool as it was designed. The Biblical rod was not an instrument used to hit and punish the sheep but a weapon used against predators to protect the sheep. The proper way to use the Biblical rod is as a weapon against what wants to attack your children. Sin is the predator that wants to attack your child and the greatest weapon against darkness is light. And, you cannot yield light with your rod if your children hide everything you dislike under a mask and keep it in darkness. You must remove the mask and let the light in to cast the darkness away from them. THAT is how to use the Biblical rod...

To allow your child the freedom to be real and reacting to them with NOT punishing is not "permissive" parenting. It's allowing light to shine in the darkness. It's God's way of salvation...

Romans 2:4

Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

Ephesians 6:12

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood (your children's outward behavior), but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

1 John 1:6

If we say that we (our children) have fellowship with Him (because their outward behavior is good) and yet walk in the darkness (they are merely controlling their behavior but feel totally differently inside), we lie and do not practice the truth;

1 John 2:11

But the one who hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes.

Sermon that inspired these thoughts today:

http://whchurch.org/sermons-media/sermon/honest-to-god-2