Cooperation vs Compliance: Love vs Fear

As soon as I saw this picture pass by my newsfeed of this common sight in Guatemala...it made me think of the difference between discipline and punishment...


Most people believe that discipline and punish are synonyms (as in they mean the same thing.) But, they are not and do not mean the same thing at all.

Let's look at it in this photo (which was posted by a Guatemala tourism fan site on Facebook.)

Can't tell from the photo what the actual relationship pictured is, but we can tell that it's an older person and a younger person. So...whether it would be his uncle, older brother, or father this applies...

What they are doing is they are gathering and bringing home what they call "leña" which they use for heating their stove to cook.

The father could get the son to do this in 2 ways...by either inspiring cooperation or getting compliance from the child.

Cooperation
co·op·er·a·tion [koh-op-uh-rey-shuh n]
noun
1. an act or instance of working or acting together for a common purpose or benefit; joint action.
2. more or less active assistance from a person, organization, etc.
3. willingness to cooperate
4. Economics . the combination of persons for purposes of production, purchase, or distribution for their joint benefit
5. Sociology . activity shared for mutual benefit.
Synonyms
collaboration - contribution

- - -

Compliance
com·pli·ance [kuh m-plahy-uh ns]
noun
1. the act of conforming, acquiescing, or yielding.
2. a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way.
3. conformity; accordance

Cooperation is a thoughtful choice followed by an act to participate in something as an act of working together. 

Love inspires thoughtful willful acts of participating in your life. Love inspires cooperation. True discipleship can only be done in love. And, perfect love casts out fear.
Compliance is an act of yielding to another's will.

Compliance is gained by having power over someone. Compliance is gained through fear. Fear is inspired by punishment, pain, and the threats of pain. Perfect love casts out fear...so if fear is the way of inspiring compliance then love is not part of the process...and since God IS love then God...is not a part of gaining compliance from your children through threats and use of pain/punishment.

Cooperative children want to be a part of your life. Want to please you. Want to work together with you...alongside you...because they love you. Cooperation flows from a healthy relationship. Cooperation is the fruit of not inspiring fear in your children. Cooperation is the fruit of not spanking.

Compliant children will do what you say because they fear punishment. Compliance requires no relationship. Compliance is the fruit of fear. Compliance is the fruit of spanking.

From the perspective of the One who has said, "Fear not!!!" which type of children is He looking for? Which type of Father is He?

Slave vs. Son
Would you say that slaves are cooperating with their masters or complying with orders?

Do your children cooperate or comply?

Are your children therefore your slaves...or your "sons?"

Which do you think is God's way?

Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God. Gal. 4:7

I wonder if the tendency of Christians to default to, "Well, we just can't understand these things we just have to have faith! God's ways are higher than ours! His ways are mysterious!" stems from the fact that their parents focused on gaining their children's compliance rather than cooperation?

This, in my opinion, would be one more evidence of how when people like this claim that they were spanked and they turned out "OK" that no...they really didn't...because Jesus didn't die so that humans would say, "Yes Sir!" and march compliantly into heaven because we're afraid of the ultimate but whackin' (hell)...But that we'd cry out, "Daddy!" and run to God because we love Him!!!!

God wants people who are not afraid of hell because there's nothing that could keep them away from their Daddy God...not people who are running to heaven just because they're afraid of hell...

Which kind of parent are you?



Do your kids "do their chores" and behave because they are inspired by you and love you and want to contribute to the home or because they know they'll get punished if they don't?

Will they then someday run to God because they love Him or because they're afraid of hell?

Worth thinking about...

Your children learn by example and repetition

Have you ever thought about "how" God designed children to learn?

Baby: babababa
Mom: Like this, "mama"
Baby: babama
Mom: Mama...ma-ma...mama
Baby: (eventually) mama
Mom: YAY!
Over the course of several years using example and repetition the parent teaches the child to speak the English language.

Child: Me help?
Mom: Like this! (holds spoon and stirs cake batter)
Child: (attempts to imitate) like this?
Mom: Yes! Yay!
Over the course of a few minutes using example and repetition the parent teaches the child how to stir cake batter.

Child: (tries to write the letters in their lesson book)
Mom: Oh, you have that letter backwards! See! Try tracing these. (writes some letters to trace)
Child: (tries again)
Mom: very good! You got it!
Over the course of a few years using example and repetition the homeschooling parent teaches the child how to write.

Child: (child reads from book and mispronounces a word)
Mom: No, that's "A-mare-i-ca" not "A-mur-i-ca" sweetie. Try it again, "A-mare-i-ca."
Child: A-mary-ca
Mom: Close! A-mare-i-ca
Child: A-mare-i-ca!
Mom: Yes!
Over the course of a few years using example and repetition the parent teaches the child how to read and properly pronounce words.

Child: (hits sibling for taking toy)
Mom: Why do you hit your brother?! I've told you that's naughty! (spanks child)
Over the course of a few years using example and repetition the parent teaches the child how to handle situations in which they dislike what someone smaller than them has done.

The real reason parents spank isn't because they believe God commands it.

The real reason parents spank isn't because they believe they were spanked and turned out OK.

The real reason parents spank isn't because they believe it is the right thing to do.

The real reason parents spank is because their own parents...over the course of many years using example and repetition...taught them how to handle situations in which they need a smaller/weaker person to do what they want...and they are still imitating their parents. Through example and repetition they have been trained and now that they are old they can't depart from it because they don't know any other way to do it.

And, the real reason parents spank is because it is a heck of a lot easier to "receive that free cookie at the grocery store" and make someone else accountable for etiquette and politeness, "What do you saaaaay kids?" than hold yourself accountable to set the example yourself repeatedly and you say, "Thank you!" so that the children become polite by imitating you.

Ephesians 5:1

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children

If your children are misbehaving they don't need a spanking...they need a better example to imitate... 

Parents, should be able to this to your children in all things...

"Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ." 

1 Cor. 11:1

Spanking and Discipline are mutually exclusive!

So...we had houseguests... 

One of the guests was a child. That child...was alone in a room with several fish tanks. I saw from a distance as the child put "something" into one of the tanks. Couldn't quite see what it was but it was not fish food. I didn't make a deal about it because it's something kids do. 

A day after my guests were gone...an $8 fish and one other fish in that tank were bygones. Yep. Gonners. Dead. 

My first thought was that this was a "teaching moment." Once...my then 3 and 5 year olds poured a tiny can of jalepeños into a fish tank we had. Yeah. I attempted to get the fish out and change the water as fast as I could but it didn't take long...death came quickly! Kids do stuff and they learn, right? 

So, if my kids had done this, I'd want to tell them, "Hey, guess what? You put something in that fish tank and it killed two of the fish. THAT is why you should never put random stuff in fish tanks, not just 'cause Mom is no fun when she says not to do stuff!"

It's a simple cause and effect teaching moment. I'd loved to have called that mom and told her..."Hey, tell your kid that two of the fish in that tank he put a buncha' stuff in died...and that one of those fish cost $8..." because then...the fish basically wouldn't have died in vain, right?

But...I don't know how they will see it. How will they react? What would they do if I called them and told them that?

My suspicion is...they'd get off the phone, turn to the kid and someone would be "in trouble." I fear it wouldn't be seen as a discipling/teaching moment but that the child would get scolded, humiliated, attacked, and punished...and then already feeling humiliated and feeling like I'm a big tattle tale that could never be trusted, probably forced to call me and say,"sorry" to me.

It's a shame. It's an important teachable/discipling moment (over something trivial and yet important) and I can't do anything about it. 

Punishment...as you can see...actually prevents true discipline. 

Backtalking and Discipline

What do your kids see you doing?

My 9 year old daughter just lit one of the candles I got for Mother's Day for me and after she did it, she walked over to the sink and ran the match under a little water before throwing it into the trash can. I can't say that I've ever directly told her to do that, but, she sees me do that every time I light a match...so she does it, too.

In John 5 Jesus tells us that even He only does what He sees His Father doing... 

"Therefore Jesus answered and was saying to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, unless it is something He sees the Father doing; for whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner. For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself is doing; and the Father will show Him greater works than these, so that you will marvel."

Even when we don't intend to teach a lesson to our children, we're teaching our kids how to be and how to act with everything we do.

So, what are your kids learning from you? When your kids "see you doing..." what are they seeing you do?

Your child cries out at night...what do they see you doing? This is how they will respond to others who cry out to them at inconvenient times. This is how they will respond to you when you want their attention at an inconvenient time for them.

Your child is hungry and says they want food not at meal time...what do they see you doing? This is how they will respond to fulfilling the needs of others.

Your child is mad and upset and acting out...what do they see you doing? This is how they will handle others when they see they are mad or upset and behaving in an unpleasant way.

Your child breaks one of your rules...what do they see you doing? This is how they will treat others they see as breaking one of their rules.

Your child is not giving you your way (listening to you)...what do they see you doing? This is what they will do with others who are not "giving them their way" or listening to them.

Your child is in the back seat of your car while you drive...what do they see you doing? This is how they will someday drive...

Read this again...

"Therefore Jesus answered and was saying to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son (or your child) can do nothing of Himself, unless it is something He sees the Father (you) doing; for whatever the Father does (you do), these things the Son (your child) also does in like manner. For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself is doing; and the Father will show Him greater works than these, so that you will marvel."

So much goes past on Facebook's newsfeed with people insisting that if kids get more spankings they'll be less likely to end up criminals! You see things on Youtube like that dad in the cowboy hat last year publicly humiliating his daughter and shooting his daughter's computer to "teach her a lesson"...about publicly humiliating him...hmmm...

Everyone needs to realize...the way your kids are acting is showing you what lessons you are actually teaching them as they watch you. They do what they see you doing. They "are" how they see you are...

What your kids need to grow up to be loving people full of patience and kindness and self control (the fruits of the spirit) is...a parent to watch who does those things...not a parent who spanks the kids for not doing them...especially when the "not doing" those things is because the kids are actually just doing what they see the parents doing...

Kids need consequences to learn right from wrong, don't they?!

You tell me which child will be learning "right" from "wrong?"

Kid 1, a grade schooler, is in a store with mom. She sees something she wants and grabs it and keeps it in her pocket. When they get out to the car mom finds the item and asks, "Did you get this inside the store?"
"Yes."
"You know that's stealing, right?"
"Yes."
"Do you know that the person who owns that store is a dad and that he has a family and kids to buy food for, just like your dad and I do?"
"No, I didn't know that..."
"And, did you know that when you take something like that that he had to pay for it? And, that means you just took money from him and his whole family?"
"Noo..."
"And, he also uses the money he makes when he sells things to pay for his employees to have jobs so they can feed their families, and if everybody stole guess what would happsn?"
"He wouldn't have any money?"
"Right! He wouldn't have any money and he wouldn't have any money to have employees and then they wouldn't have any money, either."
"Wow."
"And, guess what else would happen if everybody stole?"
"Ummm..."
"The man who owns the store would have to make all of his prices very very expensive to make up for the money he lost. And, that means that your dad would have to work extra hard to make even more money for food because food would be so much more expensive!"
"I didn't know..."
"So, what do you think we should do with that?" (pointing to the stolen item.)
"I should take it back."
Mom goes back inside with her child to put the item back. Mom finds an employee on the way in and explains what happened and that they're returning the item to its proper place. Mom says to the employee, "We're bringing this back because we know that when people steal it hurts everybody who works at the store, isn't that right?" The employee follows the mom's lead, "Yes, it does."
They exit the store with mom talking with the child about how they feel about what's just happened. They talk about different situations where people have stolen on the news and in the Bible. They talk about when there ever might be a good reason to steal and what would be the best thing to do if someone ever broke into their house to steal something? Not too far down the road in the car the subject is on something else and no "spanking" or other punishments happen at home.


Kid 2, a grade schooler, is in a store with mom. She sees something she wants and grabs it and keeps it in her pocket. When they get out to the car mom finds the item and asks, "Did you get this inside the store?"
Child looks up at mom with deer-in-headlights look on face, "Yes."
"What!? I can't believe you STOLE that! What is the matter with you! You know better than that! You know stealing is bad!"
Mom grabs the kid by the arm and heads back into the store and stands her child in front of the first employee she finds and makes him hand the person the item and say sorry. She tells the employee she's sorry, too, and how embarrassed she is and assures the employee that the child will be punished. She then heads back out to her mini-van and, thinking better of it, decides not to get the wooden spoon out of the glove box just then but opts to wait till they get home to punish her kid.
The whole ride home mom is fuming and alternately telling the child how naughty they are or being silent. Once home she gets out the paddle and gives the kid a good spanking to teach the kid a lesson about spanking. (and/or makes the child stand out by the road with a sign that says, "I STOLE!")

You hear parents often talking about the need for "discipline" and "consequences" so that children learn right from wrong.

Which kid in this example do you feel was "disciplined" in the true meaning of that word which is "to be taught?"

Which kid kid in this example do you feel understands the true "consequences" of stealing? Both kids were faced with a parent telling them that stealing is bad...but which kid learned the actual consequences brought about in the world by stealing? 

Which child do you think felt shame, humiliation and separation from the parent? Which child do you think felt fear? Do you think any of those feelings help a person understand their actions?

Which kid do you think has a better understanding after this event of what's "right" and what's "wrong?" Learning a lesson that when a child does "x" that mom and dad get super mad and spank them only teaches them that when they do "x" mom and dad get mad and spank them. 

To learn "right" from "wrong" one must care about people first of all, and caring is empathy and it is taught by example. Secondly, one must understand the full consequences of their actions to know how those actions have affected people badly and the empathy inside them will convict them that doing "x" is "wrong" and the empathy in them will make them want to never do that again. 

Example 1 is how I would handle it, actually.
How would you?