What happens to kids if you don't spank?

So, yesterday...I'm at Sam's Club with three of my daughters. The youngest, age 6, has never been spanked...or "punished" to be taught lessons.

We're on our way through the store and she got "stuck." She decided she wanted me to buy a case of soda (which our family will consume in 12 hours and so I rarely buy it) and I just said, "No." She didn't feel like I was hearing her, I guess, and she really wanted me to buy sodas! So, she lingered behind, angry. My 11 y/o walked back to where she was and reached out to grab her arm and "make" her come along with us, but it didn't work out that way.

The 6 y/o stood her ground, grabbed her sister's hand and dug in her finger nails, breaking the skin in one place.

So, now...it's my turn. What am I going to do about this situation? What lesson will I teach and what will the 6 y/o take with her into adulthood regarding this moment? What example am I about to set?

At first, I was tempted to fall back into my old ways and do the lazy thing...and just scold her and tell her to tell her sister, "sorry." That temptation is always there. 10 years ago I'd have ended the whole situation in a matter of seconds and just scolded, and spanked that child. 

But, trouble is...even when I'm out in public and "busy"...if I'm supposed to be teaching my little daughter how to be a good and godly adult someday...I myself have to resist the temptations to be "bad" and handle my problems the same way that 6 y/o just did (by striking). One of the biggest lessons I'll ever teach is my example, true? And, even in the instantly-gratifying-USA usually the right road isn't the easy one...

Matthew 7:12-14

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it." 

So, I stopped shopping, knelt down, and I asked her why she wanted the sodas so badly? She told me that she'd wanted to have some to share with everyone at home. 

I asked her, "If I did something really mean to Dad to get you a toy would you be happy about that?"

She said she would not.

I asked her, "Do you think the other kids at home would be happy to know that she'd hurt Evy to be able to get them the sodas?"

She said they would not.

I then pointed out some other things to her...

- you were mad at me and so you were mean to your sister and that's not fair to her.

- your sister is only trying to help you and you hurt her because you were mad at me and that wasn't nice.

- when you feel better, which you will in a few minutes, your sister's hand is still going to hurt and that's not fair. She will have pain in her hand for a long time when you feel all better and it wasn't even her fault you were mad.

These are all things a grown-up can process and understand, true? But, little kids need to be taught how to see and process these things... (actually, sometimes grown-ups need help with this...and I wonder why?)

Because kidnapping is something our family has dealt with in real life in the past (* see below), I also asked her, "What do you think your sister would do if a bad guy came in the store and tried to take you?"

Her eyes got wide and serious...and totally focused on me. (Because she was not sitting there afraid of anything I was about to do to her...I had her full attention. She was not even a little bit focused on doing something to avoid pain...she was only listening to what I was going to say next...)

She said she thought her sister would try to help her. I agreed and added to it, "And, you know what? She would jump on that guy and do anything she could to stop him from hurting you or stealing you even if it meant that he would hurt her or even kill her."

Her eyes...at this point are totally glued to me. She was focused on what I was trying to teach her.

I then pointed out to her that she had just hurt that person who would even die for her all because she was mad at me. I asked her what she thought of that? She said that she thought it was very bad and mean. And, I then reminded her that she needs to never hurt the people who really care about her. 

At this point now...she was almost crying. 

And...she was not almost crying because...she was afraid I was going to spank her. She was not almost crying because she had just gotten her hiney smacked and was in pain. She was not almost crying because of anything to do with her outsides..but because she realized deep within her little heart...what she had done wrong to her sister. I'd gotten inside her heart...where the motivations (only part of our behavior that matters) for our behavior are...

Matthew 15:16-19

Jesus said, “Are you still lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.

I picked her up then and told her how much I loved her and she just held me. I sat her butt on the cart's handle and pushed my way down the aisle with her in my arms till we got to the next thing I needed to throw in the cart and then I set her down.

Half way down the aisle...she was all better. And, she was also "a better person". She had learned a bunch of lessons...And, she looked "happy." She wasn't nursing her wounds (sore butt) and she wasn't upset at all for herself...

"the truth had set her free."

The two older ones were not where we could see them as we rounded the next aisle and I hear behind me that sweet little voice ask, "Where's Evy? I need to tell her sorry!"

And, as soon as we were all reunited she told her sister she was sorry and looked like she really meant it...because it had come from her own heart and was not something she was forced to say out of fear...

A lot of parents would feel like she "got away with it" and it's a really sad sad attitude for a parent to have because retribution...pay-backs...revenge for wrongs...is not for us to dole out to anyone. And, that is exactly what is in the heart of a person who feels someone needs to suffer so as to "not get away with" something. If you feel your child "needs to pay for what they did wrong" or "learn their lesson" by suffering...you're doing it wrong.

My little unspanked 6 y/o definitely "learned her lesson" in my several-minute disciplinary session with her.

She learned that...
- mom cares enough to stop what she's doing to help her
- mom won't hurt her when she's bad
- mom will tell her the truth when she's bad
- finding out that truth can hurt but helps you become a better person
- there is hope to become a better person when you make mistakes
- mom will still love her after she's been bad
- she should not hurt the people who love her
- she should not hurt people when she's mad
- when she lashes out at someone in anger that person will suffer for a while and that it's not fair
- her sister would probably die for her

These lessons will apply even when no one is around to punish her if she does something mean or bad again. She will not consider behaving this way in the context of, "Is anyone looking? Can I get away with it?" because she will never "get away" with behaving like this even if she is the only one to see because these lessons are in her heart now...

And, they would all be made invisible if they were in the shadow of a painful spanking.

Romans 12:19 

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.

And, not just her...but me, too. What would I have missed out on had I been of the "spare the rod..." mindset an felt that I needed to "teach her a lesson" using my body against hear body and not my mind and heart connected to hers? I, too, would have lost out and learned a lousy lesson. The negative effects of spanking aren't just the child's...they're ours, too.

I encourage you...

Really look at how you act when you are "disciplining" your child. What example are you setting?

Really look at what you are teaching them. 

Really look at what lessons they have absorbed. What lessons have you absorbed?

And, have you just taught that lesson with your body? Or...your mind and heart?

And, mostly...remember...that there is no fear in love. You may think you lovingly spank your children, but if they have fear of being spanked...there is no love in that. And, that fear will ruin any lesson you ever want to teach them...

Let the violence in the church stop!

Matthew 11:12

From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force.

- - -

*KIDNAPPING and our family

Tori's dad was 4 when his parents went to Guatemala. He lived there 40 years. At one point in time there was a kidnapping ring in operation and Grandpa was on that list. One morning, my husband awoke to the sound of the dogs barking angrily. Armed men were "escorting" one of the neighbors and 2 of her children toward my husband's home. 

Grandpa fled into the jungle. The kidnappers shot the family dog in front of them. Then, they took Grandma, one of Tori's aunts, and 2 houseguests. Ransom was demanded or they'd be killed. A military shoot-out with the kidnappers is what finally freed them.

A few years before that Tori's dad was taken out into the jungle and held at gunpoint while communist guerrillas burned their mission compound and my husband's airplanes. Tori's dad was to be executed that night but was released when help arrived.

When I lived there from 2000-2010 we had friends who were kidnapped and executed.

Finally, we were present when a mob burned a man alive and went bezerk for 3 days - chasing the police and army out of town. Tori's dad was taken hostage by the mob and I got a phone call from him during this informing me to get the kids out "now!" because our home was threatened. It was the most terrifying day of my life.

After that, there were rumors of people wanting to kidnap one of our children...and so now we live in Florida...(where even here we have wacko's who like to snag and harm kids.) 

So, if anyone thinks it's "over the top" or an attempt to terrify my child into contrition by bringing up the "bad guy taking her" I think you better understand why I said that. It's a topic that all my kids have heard about and can totally relate to in a way your average American kid cannot...

There is a book about my husband's family available here...

How did Jesus influence, inspire, and motivate the world?

I was reminded this morning as I was trying to sleep...of a post a friend made on fb on July 5th about what the Bible means to "train up a child in the way he should go"...

"SHEILA STUBBS WROTE: 
Yesterday I did a bit of study on Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old he will not depart from it." The verse contains only 6 words, which takes 21 English words to describe.

TRAIN UP = dedicate, initiate, commence using, instruct, train up imbue [imbue means to inspire or influence thoroughly]. The root pictures a narrowing/neck, or the jaw, also to put something in the mouth, metaphorically: tasting.

KJV translates it elsewhere 4 X as "dedicate" and only this one time as "train up".

A CHILD = boy, lad, servant, youth. Usually used to refer to a child, though used in this verse about baby Moses: "And when she had opened [it], she saw the child [child/son/boy/offspring/youth] and, behold, the babe [boy/lad/servant/youth] wept. And she had compassion on him, and said, This [is one] of the Hebrew children. [child/son/boy/offspring/youth]

IN THE WAY = way, road, distance, journey, manner.

HE SHOULD GO = mouth. The word portrays a sense of blowing, breathing, an opening. Translated elsewhere as commandment, edge, according.

AND WHEN HE IS OLD = to be old, to become old – "like an old man with his chin hanging down"

HE WILL NOT DEPART FROM IT = turn aside, depart, cause to depart, withdraw

I was fascinated by the translation of the word "mouth" to "he should go". To me it's saying "Influence a boy’s journey from his first breath and in old age he won’t withdraw." Which is quite the complete opposite of the Pearl's message."

Imagine. What if all Christian parents raised their sons from their first breath in such a way as to inspire them to not want to deviate from God? What if all the fathers...inspired their children to follow God from their 1st breaths? What a world that would be!

As parents, for some reason, we never seem to think that what we are really trying to do is "influence", "inspire", and "motivate" our children. We seem to forget that we aren't trying to train mules, create robots, or program computers that will do whatever we want. We are actually working to influence our children so that they will freely choose to stay on that good path. We want them to want to make good and healthy free-will choices for the rest of their lives.

We can "lay down the law" and make our kids do what we want...but if you are forced to do something, you aren't making a choice. This is why our job is really to influence, inspire, and motivate our children, because we know that our children must freely choose God and we can't "make" them do that.

There are tons of books out there that can teach you how to be better at influencing, inspiring, and motivating people, right? Books on how to be a better sales person...books on how to motivate your employees, and so forth. 

And, thing is...you're not going to find a book or attend a seminar on how to influence, inspire, or motivate people which will advise you to hurt, threaten, isolate, humiliate or hit the people you're trying to influence. Yet, if you open just about any Christian child-training book this is the primary way they advise you to relate to your children.

Sadly, there really is nothing in books by all the Christian child-rearing "experts" out there that get you to think of your job as a parent as influence, inspiration, and motivation...but rather...these "experts" advise you to basically "make" your kids do right and they'll get used to doing things that way and will keep on doing it. But, forcing someone to do what's right...does that create a good person? Is an "obedient" person "good" or are they simply "obedient?" And, if your child is being forced to do good because they fear the pain you will give them if they do not do what you tell them to...they aren't freely choosing that path, are they?

Not only that, but, all of us who are old enough to be in the position to be spanking children know what it's like to have bosses and people over us. If the people over us were to use pain, threats, isolation, humiliation, and assault to try to influence us to be better spouses, employees, volunteers or church members...the only thing it would inspire and motivate us to do would be to run away and report them to the police!

If a book that is aimed at advising me on how to influence and inspire others to do what's good and right is truly God approved, we would be able to look at the New Testament and see Jesus doing the same bits of advice...true?

So, look at the New Testament...look at how Jesus lived. Jesus upset lots of people with the way He lived...so much so that they ended up killin' Him, right? And, how did He live? More people were influence, inspired, and motivated by His life than any other human being ever, right? His influence, inspiration, and motivation didn't just affect those He was directly connected to but His influence, inspiration and motivation rippled out across the centuries and the whole world. 

How did He do it? 

Did Jesus hurt, threaten, isolate, humiliate and assault anyone? Ever?

What did Jesus do? Really, look at that. Examine that. HOW did He do it? 

Jesus managed to influence, inspire, and motivate the entire world and to put people on the path toward heaven...and you...you can influence, inspire, and motivate your household to head toward that same goal if you do as He did...

Again, sadly, the world has this whole influencing/inspiring/motivating thing figured out way better than the church does... 

Luke 16:8

for the sons of this age are more shrewd in relation to their own kind than the sons of light.

Romans 2:1-5

Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. But do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? 

Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance? But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God...