"Meanest Mom in the World?"

Recently a post by a mom, calling herself, "The Meanest Mom in the World" was making the rounds on social media. 

The story went...

She'd taken her kids out for ice cream. She watched as her children, ages somewhere around 8, 5, and 4, received their sweet treasures and began eating them happily. Then as they exited the ice cream place, she stopped and snatched those ice creams from the children mid-bite and threw them in the trash...because the children had failed to say, "thanks" to the person who'd handed them the ice creams. She then gave them a lecture on how someday they should be happy to have a job like that, handing out ice creams to children, and they need to show these people respect.

Her post went viral and had piles of comments telling her she was far from the meanest mom...but a great mom with children sure to grow up polite and respectful!

But is that what she's really teaching them?

I think an experience I had at Sam's Club a few days ago can shed some light on that...

So I was at Sam's Club...hungry (you know you should never do that...go to the grocery store hungry!) with my 18- and 12- and 8-year-old daughters...and we rounded a corner and there on the end cap...was a man in a "Free Samples" booth.

I peeked at what he had before him on his counter and saw rectangular Club Crackers with some delish-looking spread of what looked like flaky chicken mixed with a bit of mayo and something red, like berries or something.

I looked the crackers over quickly, sizing them up. There were about 5 on little square white napkins, and as I grabbed one I thought, a little guiltily, This one has like 2x's more spread on it than those others! I got the one with the most stuff on it, I'm so selfish! 

I held it up to my face and could smell it now. Mmmm.

"What is this?" I asked the man.

"Chicken..." he said and didn't elaborate on what was in the chicken.

It didn't matter, though. My mind was back on this tasty treat before me. I was afraid the cracker might break in half when I bit it and send the stuff all crumbling onto the floor, so I held my other hand up under it with the napkin. If I did drop some I was going to drop it onto the napkin and still be able to eat it.

And, Mmmm... Oh it was heaven. So good. (Seriously...just don't go to the grocery store hungry!)

As I chewed, feeling quite pleased with my mouthful of food, wishing there was a way to get more of these samples, and if I had a problem with buying the canned factory-farmed chicken meat, I pushed the cart out of the way with one free hand and my other elbow. I got half-way down the aisle...and pulled over to finish my snack when my 12-y/o quietly leans in to me and says, "You didn't even thank him."

I'm a 47 y/o grown-up with a fully mature brain, and I was so wrapped up in my delight over my treat that I failed Etiquette 101. 

And because I'm this way...as soon as this hit me...I realized that I was in the middle of living the post by the Ice Cream in the Trash Mom...except I was the kid, and my 12-y/o was the mom!

The internet has declared her a hero! Everyone's so happy she's teaching her kids manners! More parents should be like her!

So...how about me and my manners?

What if Ice Cream in the Trash Mom had been shopping with me?

What if she'd taken my cracker, lectured me, and marched me back over to the Sam's Club employee, my head hung in shame and still wanting that cracker...and made me apologize for not thanking him?

Would she be hero of manners enforcement then...or would you all be telling me to find another friend to shop with?

Or what if my 12-y/o had, instead of quietly coming to me, had done as Ice Cream in the Trash Mom had done to her children?

Then what?

Or how about...what if one of Ice Cream in the Trash Mom's kids had been shopping with me...and seeing me fail to thank the guy had grabbed my cracker, threw it in the trash, scolded me, and marched me over to the employee and made me apologize to him...how would you see the behavior then? Would you see Ice Cream in the Trash Mom's kids imitating her behavior and turn to her and congratulate her on teaching her kids well?

Normally when we show kids to do stuff and they mimic it perfectly, we're proud! But would watching her kids treating me this way be something to applaud?

Unfortunately for children...kids are little parrots. It's like they're born with this, "Show me!" circuitry in their brain. It's evident as early as day one when they'll stick their tongue out to imitate the parent doing it. Imitation is how kids learn to talk, walk, eat...everything.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few years watching parents with their own kids at sports practices and you can see more similarities between them than their physical appearances. You can see similar attitudes and hear the same accents in their speech...because kids mimic their parents.

This means if the parent makes a conscious point of BEING polite...always saying, "Please!" and "Thank you!" their children...will mimic them because that's how kids come wired. It's that easy to teach etiquette and polite behavior.

It also means that when a parent...stands aside watching their children in the middle of a learning opportunity...a mistake of etiquette...and reacting by judging them...then pouncing on them harshly because they make a mistake...instead of teaching them...guess what? The children will do the same.

Kids imitate how the parent acts more than they will do what the parents says. It's how they're wired.

This means...if you start smacking the hand of a baby, once they start to crawl, explore, and grab things, scolding them with a harsh, "No!" They will learn they get smacked for touching certain things...AND they will learn...to smack to stop others (usually other children) from doing what they don't want them to do.

They're wired to imitate us.

If you swat the bottom of your toddler, to make them do what you want...they will learn to swat other children to get them to do what they want.

If you yell at them and scold them when they don't do what you want...they will learn to yell and scold to get other kids to do what they want.

Just listen to them when they're playing and doing these things...just listen and you hear yourself...

If you call your child, "naughty!" and "bad!" when they do something you don't like...they will learn to call other children names when they do what they don't like.

If you take their toys when they're in the middle of playing with them because you've decided it's time to go or time to go to bed and you don't take into account their feelings and desire to "finish playing"...they will learn to take toys from other children without taking into account the other children's feelings or desire to finish playing with them.

And if you have a habit of physically moving your child when they don't wish to be moved...picking them up when they're not done with their toys, pulling their hands and tugging them away from something they're not ready to be moved away from...they will learn...to "push" other children...to get others to move their bodies when they don't like where they are.

If you're the type of parent to disregard what children want because you feel it's important to "make sure they know who's boss," so you never, "give in and give them what they want lest you spoil them," they will learn...to not listen to the desires of others. They'll learn to stand their ground and not give in and give the other person (often the parent) "their own way."

Children are learning from the parents' every action and they will mimic those behaviors. They are going to smack, yell, take toys, and push others.

They're wired to watch us and imitate what we do.

Sadly, it seems society is blind to this. Even today's highly educated doctors will diagnose children who imitate unpleasant behavior with acronyms, and parents think these children need a "firmer hand." The kids end up punished, spanked, and medicated...for imitating their parents.

But you can tell your children 1000 times...that smacking, yelling, taking toys, refusing to be obedient, and pushing is bad...you can punish them for it and give them pills...but as long as you are doing those things in order to teach them...they will continue to mimic you.

Guaranteed.

Some seem to feel rude behavior isn't rude if it's done to a child. But if it would be rude for Ice Cream in the Trash Mom to take MY cracker and toss it in the trash, lecture me, and march me over and make me apologize...then it's rude. Period. Even when done to small children.

And if we want to look at what's rude and polite...compare Ice Cream in the Trash Mom's children's childish forgetfulness with her adult calculated and planned behavior.

Which behavior was actually rude?

Ice Cream in the Trash Mom's kids might learn to say, "Thanks," via their mother's teaching tactics...so they don't get in trouble with Mom again, but the irony of it all is that in her attempt to teach her kids to be polite, she did the exact opposite.

Through her behavior, Ice Cream in the Trash Mom's kids have learned a lot about how to treat people who make mistakes in front of them. In time, she will see it, as they become older and start treating her and others the way she's taught them to treat people...but she will likely misperceive it and label it as "teenage rebellion."

That's how it works.

So, is Ice Cream in the Trash Mom the "Meanest Mom in the World?" No. Actively demonstrating to children on a daily basis what it looks like to speak politely while treating people disrespectfully, is actually quite common for US parents.

Even Christians.

If you ask most Christians, or look at most of the books Christians normally consult for advice on how to deal with situations with their children, you'll see the default respose to children's mistakes seems to be to punish/spank/inflict pain of some type. But didn't the Christ Christians are following...tell us to get the log our of our own eyes, first?

Why would He tell us that?

He is the one who made children wired to imitate parents. And if we parents all spent more time looking in the mirror and focusing on our own behavior, we'd see our children's behavior changing for the better...right along with our own.

John 5:19

Therefore Jesus answered and was saying to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, unless it is something He sees the Father doing; for whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner.

Compliance vs Cooperation

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?

As soon as I saw this picture pass by my newsfeed of this common sight in Guatemala...it made me think of the difference between discipline and punishment...

It seems that most people believe that discipline and punish are synonyms (as in they mean the same thing.) But, they are not and do not mean the same thing at all.

Let's look at it in this photo (which was posted by a Guatemala tourism fan site on Facebook.) 

I don't know if this is two brothers...an uncle and nephew...or a man and his neighbor...or two random people...but it looks like a father and son...so this is the illustration we'll use...

The father appears to be teaching his son how to care for the family by gathering and bringing home what they call "leña" which they use for heating their stove to cook.

Dad could get the son to do this in 2 ways...by either inspiring cooperation or getting compliance from the child. 

Cooperation
co·op·er·a·tion [koh-op-uh-rey-shuh n]

noun

1. an act or instance of working or acting together for a common purpose or benefit; joint action.

2. more or less active assistance from a person, organization, etc.

3. willingness to cooperate

4. Economics . the combination of persons for purposes of production, purchase, or distribution for their joint benefit

5. Sociology . activity shared for mutual benefit.

Synonyms

collaboration - contribution

Compliance
com·pli·ance [kuh m-plahy-uh ns]

noun

1. the act of conforming, acquiescing, or yielding.

2. a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way.

3. conformity; accordance

Cooperation is a thoughtful choice followed by an act to participate in something as an act of working together. Love inspires thoughtful willful acts of participating in your life. Love inspires cooperation. True discipleship can only be done in love. And, perfect love casts out fear.

Compliance is an act of yielding to another's will. Compliance is gained by having power over someone. Compliance is gained through fear. Fear is inspired by punishment, pain, and the threats of pain. Perfect love casts out fear...so if fear is the way of inspiring compliance then love is not part of the process...and since God IS love then God...is not a part of gaining compliance from your children through threats and use of pain/punishment.

Cooperative children want to be a part of your life. Want to please you. Want to work together with you...alongside you...because they love you. Cooperation flows from a healthy relationship. Cooperation is the fruit of not inspiring fear in your children. Cooperation is the fruit of not spanking.

Compliant children will do what you say because they fear punishment. Compliance requires no relationship. Compliance is the fruit of fear. Compliance is the fruit of spanking.

From the perspective of the One who has said, "Fear not!!!" which type of children is He looking for? Which type of Father is He?

Slave vs. Son

Would you say that slaves are cooperating with their masters or complying with orders?

Do your children cooperate or comply?

Are your children therefore your slaves...or your "sons?"

Which do you think is God's way?

"Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God." Gal. 4:7

I wonder if the tendency of Christians to default to, "Well, we just can't understand these things we just have to have faith! God's ways are higher than ours! His ways are mysterious!" stems from the fact that their parents focused on gaining their children's compliance rather than cooperation?

If the parents expected obedience and did not give the child room to protest (or think) over the years this would have trained them to be compliant to authority and to be OK with doing things without understanding them. It would have even gone so far as to train these kids that this is the right way and the way God is. 

This, in my opinion, would be one more evidence of how when people like this claim that they were spanked and they turned out "OK" that no...they really didn't...because Jesus didn't die so that humans would say, "Yes Sir!" and march obediently and compliantly into heaven because we're afraid of the ultimate but whackin' (hell)...But that we'd cry out, "Daddy!" and run to God because we love Him!!!!

God wants people who are not afraid of hell because there's nothing that could keep them away from their Daddy God...not people who are running to heaven just because they're afraid of hell...

Which kind of parent are you?

  

Do your kids "do their chores" because they are inspired by you and love you and want to contribute to the home or because they know they'll get punished if they don't? Will they then someday run to God because they love Him or because they're afraid of hell?

2 Chronicles 16:9

For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.

There is no fear in love. Kids who are trained to comply obey out of fear aren't not choosing to cooperate and obeying out of love. And, without love...God's not a part of it at all...and your child's heart won't be able to be completely His...

Learning morality like learning to skate

Yesterday I went to the ice skating rink with the kids again. It was our 3rd time there. My 5 year old has progressed really well and it got me thinking…

Her 1st time there she could not even stand on the ice without help and I had to literally hold her up the whole time. The 2nd time there she found a “crutch” to use to get around on the ice. They have a bunch of those orange construction-site cones (can’t think what they’re called) there and the kids can hold them and skate. It’s really helpful. Plus then the highly unskilled skaters are “marked” with an orange marker!

Well, this time, she started off right away out onto the ice with one of those cones. Then, later I noticed her standing on the ice alone and I went to her, “Do you need help?”
She smiled and told me, “no.”
She had now progressed to scooting along the outer perimeter and grabbing the wall when she’d slip. It was the cutest thing!

I followed behind her and just shadowed her for the rest of the time we were there in case she needed help and of course, I was just thinking about child training and what I was doing and what would happen to her if I did something else instead…

What if when she would fall on her skates…I would make her go have a “time-out” and sit and think about why she’d fallen.

What if when she’d fall on her skates…I’d take something from her that she likes like a privilege and tell her that as soon as she can make it the whole way around the rink without falling she can have it back?

What if when she’d fall and totally wipe out and take out another kid with her…what if I’d take her off the rink and spank her?

What would any of these techniques REALLY accomplish as far as her learning to skate?
You all know it…it would crush her. It would ruin her zeal to learn to skate. It would take all the joy out of it. It would take all the pride out of her accomplishments. And, it would cause a huge rift in our relationship.

And, I know that people who are sold out on spanking being God’s way are like, “No, it’s not the same this it totally different!” But, HOW? 

Doesn’t the Bible refer to us as “falling” into sin? 
Don’t you think of the “fall” in the garden? 

Sinning is when we fail (or fall) when practicing the “skill” of being moral. And, our little kids are just as wobbly and unskilled on those “shoes” as my daughter is right now on skates.

1 Tim. 4:1 But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons…

1 Tim. 6:9 But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.

Heb. 4:11 Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.

2 Pet. 3:17 Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.

1 Cor. 10:12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.

(And, there are many others!)

If I trained her to skate the same way people train their kids to be moral…she would fall (which would be humiliating enough) and then just imagine how you would feel if you were 5 and your parent took you aside and spanked you for falling? 

Imagine it. 
Don’t you feel it? 
Don’t you almost wanna just say, “Forget it! I’m not even gonna keep trying!” That’s rebellion. 

You know, there’s this “common” stereotypical thing people expect – that teenagers will rebel. It’s as tho’ it’s a normal part of development. But, I believe it’s a normal consequence of “traditional” (kid falls and you punish them) parenting.

That’s why it’s so common for pastor’s and missionary’s kids to rebel. Those are the type of people you’re going to find to be most diligent in using physical force/coercion to get their kids to have moral behavior…

As I skated around with my little girl yesterday I was more solidified in the understanding as to how wrong it is to ever strike our children. Her precious little body with those tiny skates scooting along faster and faster…so focused…so joyful…so smiley…happy…proud she was! She’d once n’ a while slip and hang off the wall and she’d just look up at me with the cheesiest grin it was so sweet! 

And, there I was…just “ever-present” beside her…and when she fell I picked her up fast (if I didn’t catch her) or I’d catch her. I’d brush her off and comfort her. 

Twice she had a bad fall and she got really sad and I’d just pick her up and hold her tight for about 30 seconds and then she’d quit crying and get back to it again.

I just thought the whole time about how I was “being like God” just being right there to pick her up…not offering criticisms…not punishing her for failing…just following her and watching for obstacles…ready to help her…feeling so close to her and enjoying her every tiny gain in her skills…

Training your child in any skill should be a reason to whip out your camera…should be a time when you can even get tears in your eyes as you see your child growing in whatever skill it is. But, the most important skill we’ll ever be responsible for teaching our kids is normally none of that. 

A parent teaching morality is normally following behind their child not to protect them (as is the Biblical rod) but to use that rod to whack their kid every time their kid messes up. Parents follow their kid in order to criticize and to punish…and when the kid falls rather than “brushing off” the effects of their “fall” and “cleaning them up”…we treat them like dogs and “rub their noses” in it, “Look at what you did!”…and there is no enjoyment in it…

(we even now know not to rub dog's noses in their mistakes)

We make our kids feel shame about their falling…and we make them separate themselves from everyone else and “think about what they did”…we make them “dwell on their sins”…”dwell on their mistakes” and  then we wonder how they get older and can’t forgive themselves and have self hatred because they can’t get over things they’ve done wrong in the past!

The truth is just right there…right there in front of our faces every day…(Romans 1)

Once my 5 year old has the skills to skate she’s going to remember the pain that came from her own failures and the times she fell but the pain will not be remembered as coming from me. 

She’ll remember as she looks back that I was a source of safety, comfort, protection, and “salvation” from the dangers that were all around her as she learned this skill. 

Parents, your children should be able to see you that way to in the area of learning morality, because, that’s who the Bible says God is for us. And, we’re to be showing them what God is like…

Do your kids think of you with fear...and know pain comes from YOU when they “fall”? 

Do they think that getting away from you when they fall is where they are safest? 

Do they see you as following behind them to catch them (in the act) when they fall so you can cause them some pain? 

Have you made it so that they feel like it’s safer not to even try?

Colossians 3:21

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

Eph. 6:4

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Satan came to steal, kill, and destroy…don’t continue to be robbed of the most precious, awesome, and rewarding relationship that you’re supposed to have with your kids…even when they fall...

What happens to kids if you don't spank?

So, yesterday...I'm at Sam's Club with three of my daughters. The youngest, age 6, has never been spanked...or "punished" to be taught lessons.

We're on our way through the store and she got "stuck." She decided she wanted me to buy a case of soda (which our family will consume in 12 hours and so I rarely buy it) and I just said, "No." She didn't feel like I was hearing her, I guess, and she really wanted me to buy sodas! So, she lingered behind, angry. My 11 y/o walked back to where she was and reached out to grab her arm and "make" her come along with us, but it didn't work out that way.

The 6 y/o stood her ground, grabbed her sister's hand and dug in her finger nails, breaking the skin in one place.

So, now...it's my turn. What am I going to do about this situation? What lesson will I teach and what will the 6 y/o take with her into adulthood regarding this moment? What example am I about to set?

At first, I was tempted to fall back into my old ways and do the lazy thing...and just scold her and tell her to tell her sister, "sorry." That temptation is always there. 10 years ago I'd have ended the whole situation in a matter of seconds and just scolded, and spanked that child. 

But, trouble is...even when I'm out in public and "busy"...if I'm supposed to be teaching my little daughter how to be a good and godly adult someday...I myself have to resist the temptations to be "bad" and handle my problems the same way that 6 y/o just did (by striking). One of the biggest lessons I'll ever teach is my example, true? And, even in the instantly-gratifying-USA usually the right road isn't the easy one...

Matthew 7:12-14

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it." 

So, I stopped shopping, knelt down, and I asked her why she wanted the sodas so badly? She told me that she'd wanted to have some to share with everyone at home. 

I asked her, "If I did something really mean to Dad to get you a toy would you be happy about that?"

She said she would not.

I asked her, "Do you think the other kids at home would be happy to know that she'd hurt Evy to be able to get them the sodas?"

She said they would not.

I then pointed out some other things to her...

- you were mad at me and so you were mean to your sister and that's not fair to her.

- your sister is only trying to help you and you hurt her because you were mad at me and that wasn't nice.

- when you feel better, which you will in a few minutes, your sister's hand is still going to hurt and that's not fair. She will have pain in her hand for a long time when you feel all better and it wasn't even her fault you were mad.

These are all things a grown-up can process and understand, true? But, little kids need to be taught how to see and process these things... (actually, sometimes grown-ups need help with this...and I wonder why?)

Because kidnapping is something our family has dealt with in real life in the past (* see below), I also asked her, "What do you think your sister would do if a bad guy came in the store and tried to take you?"

Her eyes got wide and serious...and totally focused on me. (Because she was not sitting there afraid of anything I was about to do to her...I had her full attention. She was not even a little bit focused on doing something to avoid pain...she was only listening to what I was going to say next...)

She said she thought her sister would try to help her. I agreed and added to it, "And, you know what? She would jump on that guy and do anything she could to stop him from hurting you or stealing you even if it meant that he would hurt her or even kill her."

Her eyes...at this point are totally glued to me. She was focused on what I was trying to teach her.

I then pointed out to her that she had just hurt that person who would even die for her all because she was mad at me. I asked her what she thought of that? She said that she thought it was very bad and mean. And, I then reminded her that she needs to never hurt the people who really care about her. 

At this point now...she was almost crying. 

And...she was not almost crying because...she was afraid I was going to spank her. She was not almost crying because she had just gotten her hiney smacked and was in pain. She was not almost crying because of anything to do with her outsides..but because she realized deep within her little heart...what she had done wrong to her sister. I'd gotten inside her heart...where the motivations (only part of our behavior that matters) for our behavior are...

Matthew 15:16-19

Jesus said, “Are you still lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.

I picked her up then and told her how much I loved her and she just held me. I sat her butt on the cart's handle and pushed my way down the aisle with her in my arms till we got to the next thing I needed to throw in the cart and then I set her down.

Half way down the aisle...she was all better. And, she was also "a better person". She had learned a bunch of lessons...And, she looked "happy." She wasn't nursing her wounds (sore butt) and she wasn't upset at all for herself...

"the truth had set her free."

The two older ones were not where we could see them as we rounded the next aisle and I hear behind me that sweet little voice ask, "Where's Evy? I need to tell her sorry!"

And, as soon as we were all reunited she told her sister she was sorry and looked like she really meant it...because it had come from her own heart and was not something she was forced to say out of fear...

A lot of parents would feel like she "got away with it" and it's a really sad sad attitude for a parent to have because retribution...pay-backs...revenge for wrongs...is not for us to dole out to anyone. And, that is exactly what is in the heart of a person who feels someone needs to suffer so as to "not get away with" something. If you feel your child "needs to pay for what they did wrong" or "learn their lesson" by suffering...you're doing it wrong.

My little unspanked 6 y/o definitely "learned her lesson" in my several-minute disciplinary session with her.

She learned that...
- mom cares enough to stop what she's doing to help her
- mom won't hurt her when she's bad
- mom will tell her the truth when she's bad
- finding out that truth can hurt but helps you become a better person
- there is hope to become a better person when you make mistakes
- mom will still love her after she's been bad
- she should not hurt the people who love her
- she should not hurt people when she's mad
- when she lashes out at someone in anger that person will suffer for a while and that it's not fair
- her sister would probably die for her

These lessons will apply even when no one is around to punish her if she does something mean or bad again. She will not consider behaving this way in the context of, "Is anyone looking? Can I get away with it?" because she will never "get away" with behaving like this even if she is the only one to see because these lessons are in her heart now...

And, they would all be made invisible if they were in the shadow of a painful spanking.

Romans 12:19 

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.

And, not just her...but me, too. What would I have missed out on had I been of the "spare the rod..." mindset an felt that I needed to "teach her a lesson" using my body against hear body and not my mind and heart connected to hers? I, too, would have lost out and learned a lousy lesson. The negative effects of spanking aren't just the child's...they're ours, too.

I encourage you...

Really look at how you act when you are "disciplining" your child. What example are you setting?

Really look at what you are teaching them. 

Really look at what lessons they have absorbed. What lessons have you absorbed?

And, have you just taught that lesson with your body? Or...your mind and heart?

And, mostly...remember...that there is no fear in love. You may think you lovingly spank your children, but if they have fear of being spanked...there is no love in that. And, that fear will ruin any lesson you ever want to teach them...

Let the violence in the church stop!

Matthew 11:12

From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force.

- - -

*KIDNAPPING and our family

Tori's dad was 4 when his parents went to Guatemala. He lived there 40 years. At one point in time there was a kidnapping ring in operation and Grandpa was on that list. One morning, my husband awoke to the sound of the dogs barking angrily. Armed men were "escorting" one of the neighbors and 2 of her children toward my husband's home. 

Grandpa fled into the jungle. The kidnappers shot the family dog in front of them. Then, they took Grandma, one of Tori's aunts, and 2 houseguests. Ransom was demanded or they'd be killed. A military shoot-out with the kidnappers is what finally freed them.

A few years before that Tori's dad was taken out into the jungle and held at gunpoint while communist guerrillas burned their mission compound and my husband's airplanes. Tori's dad was to be executed that night but was released when help arrived.

When I lived there from 2000-2010 we had friends who were kidnapped and executed.

Finally, we were present when a mob burned a man alive and went bezerk for 3 days - chasing the police and army out of town. Tori's dad was taken hostage by the mob and I got a phone call from him during this informing me to get the kids out "now!" because our home was threatened. It was the most terrifying day of my life.

After that, there were rumors of people wanting to kidnap one of our children...and so now we live in Florida...(where even here we have wacko's who like to snag and harm kids.) 

So, if anyone thinks it's "over the top" or an attempt to terrify my child into contrition by bringing up the "bad guy taking her" I think you better understand why I said that. It's a topic that all my kids have heard about and can totally relate to in a way your average American kid cannot...

There is a book about my husband's family available here...

Your children learn by example and repetition

Have you ever thought about "how" God designed children to learn?

Baby: babababa
Mom: Like this, "mama"
Baby: babama
Mom: Mama...ma-ma...mama
Baby: (eventually) mama
Mom: YAY!
Over the course of several years using example and repetition the parent teaches the child to speak the English language.

Child: Me help?
Mom: Like this! (holds spoon and stirs cake batter)
Child: (attempts to imitate) like this?
Mom: Yes! Yay!
Over the course of a few minutes using example and repetition the parent teaches the child how to stir cake batter.

Child: (tries to write the letters in their lesson book)
Mom: Oh, you have that letter backwards! See! Try tracing these. (writes some letters to trace)
Child: (tries again)
Mom: very good! You got it!
Over the course of a few years using example and repetition the homeschooling parent teaches the child how to write.

Child: (child reads from book and mispronounces a word)
Mom: No, that's "A-mare-i-ca" not "A-mur-i-ca" sweetie. Try it again, "A-mare-i-ca."
Child: A-mary-ca
Mom: Close! A-mare-i-ca
Child: A-mare-i-ca!
Mom: Yes!
Over the course of a few years using example and repetition the parent teaches the child how to read and properly pronounce words.

Child: (hits sibling for taking toy)
Mom: Why do you hit your brother?! I've told you that's naughty! (spanks child)
Over the course of a few years using example and repetition the parent teaches the child how to handle situations in which they dislike what someone smaller than them has done.

The real reason parents spank isn't because they believe God commands it.

The real reason parents spank isn't because they believe they were spanked and turned out OK.

The real reason parents spank isn't because they believe it is the right thing to do.

The real reason parents spank is because their own parents...over the course of many years using example and repetition...taught them how to handle situations in which they need a smaller/weaker person to do what they want...and they are still imitating their parents. Through example and repetition they have been trained and now that they are old they can't depart from it because they don't know any other way to do it.

And, the real reason parents spank is because it is a heck of a lot easier to "receive that free cookie at the grocery store" and make someone else accountable for etiquette and politeness, "What do you saaaaay kids?" than hold yourself accountable to set the example yourself repeatedly and you say, "Thank you!" so that the children become polite by imitating you.

Ephesians 5:1

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children

If your children are misbehaving they don't need a spanking...they need a better example to imitate... 

Parents, should be able to this to your children in all things...

"Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ." 

1 Cor. 11:1

Spanking and Discipline are mutually exclusive!

So...we had houseguests... 

One of the guests was a child. That child...was alone in a room with several fish tanks. I saw from a distance as the child put "something" into one of the tanks. Couldn't quite see what it was but it was not fish food. I didn't make a deal about it because it's something kids do. 

A day after my guests were gone...an $8 fish and one other fish in that tank were bygones. Yep. Gonners. Dead. 

My first thought was that this was a "teaching moment." Once...my then 3 and 5 year olds poured a tiny can of jalepeños into a fish tank we had. Yeah. I attempted to get the fish out and change the water as fast as I could but it didn't take long...death came quickly! Kids do stuff and they learn, right? 

So, if my kids had done this, I'd want to tell them, "Hey, guess what? You put something in that fish tank and it killed two of the fish. THAT is why you should never put random stuff in fish tanks, not just 'cause Mom is no fun when she says not to do stuff!"

It's a simple cause and effect teaching moment. I'd loved to have called that mom and told her..."Hey, tell your kid that two of the fish in that tank he put a buncha' stuff in died...and that one of those fish cost $8..." because then...the fish basically wouldn't have died in vain, right?

But...I don't know how they will see it. How will they react? What would they do if I called them and told them that?

My suspicion is...they'd get off the phone, turn to the kid and someone would be "in trouble." I fear it wouldn't be seen as a discipling/teaching moment but that the child would get scolded, humiliated, attacked, and punished...and then already feeling humiliated and feeling like I'm a big tattle tale that could never be trusted, probably forced to call me and say,"sorry" to me.

It's a shame. It's an important teachable/discipling moment (over something trivial and yet important) and I can't do anything about it. 

Punishment...as you can see...actually prevents true discipline.