Giving what you value - what does spanking teach?

Think of how you handle things of value. 

Imagine yourself...

...holding a $10,000 diamond necklace in your hand. 

...sitting in the driver's seat of a brand new Corvette.

...holding a newborn baby.

...walking across a room with a crystal vase full of roses.

When we handle things "of value" - we handle them carefully. Tenderly. With reverence.

A child seeing a parent handling a valuable item would see through the parent's body language that the thing they were holding...was valuable.

So...what does spanking demonstrate to the child about their value? 

When the child sees the parent scowling, raising an arm in order to inflict pain upon them - what does that parental body language tell the child about their value?

In the Bible we read about a widow who put 2 copper coins into the temple treasury. Jesus said she had put in more than the rich had. We know literally she hadn't put in coins of more value than the rich...so what does Jesus mean?

"He said, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all of them; for they all out of their surplus put into the offering; but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on.”"

Those two copper coins were of extreme value to the woman and yet she gave them to God. The rich placed little value on the coins they put in because they had so much, so to God...their donation wasn't worth what hers was.

Someday your hope is that your child will serve God, yes?

In which way will they offer service to God? Like the widow or like the rich? 

Will your child see themselves with the value that the widow did the coins, and yet give anyway? Or will your child see themselves with the value the rich did...as essentially worthless...and give of themselves believing they really aren't worth anything anyway, so why not?

The way you treat your child...will determine how much they value themselves. And out of that valuation, they will either please, or not please God with their service.

For their service to God to be of value to God someday they must first identify themselves as having a high value...and choose to give of themselves anyway.

Picture your body language during a spanking. Picture the way you handle their body when you are spanking them. Picture the whole scene from the child's perspective. Does that picture teach them they are of the utmost value? 

For that matter imagine the impact on your child when you do so many of the prescribed things in books by men like Ezzo, Tripp, and Dobson. Does ignoring a crying child teach them they are of high value or little? Does separating yourself from them regularly to have "time away from them" teach them they have high value or little? Does threatening them with a whipping if they are disturbing your peace teach them they have high value or little?

Remember that Jesus told us we are to always "consider others (and that includes your children) as more important than yourselves," and realize that had your child been the only human on earth - Jesus still would have died for them. That's how much your child matters. 

Spend some time and try to imagine how you could live with your children in such a way as to demonstrate to them their immense infinite (blood of Jesus) value and inspire them...to want to choose...to live a life committed to God?

  

 

Fruit of not spanking: "I'm sorry I was being mean."

Obedience seems to be a big deal to parents and stands out in an unrivaled manner to determine our "goodness" or "badness" as a parent. It doesn't seem to matter what other qualities our child has just so long as a child is obedient parents will get the "good job" label.

But, I don't think so.

One Saturday night my 4 year old came running out of the bedroom holding the puppy. My husband was tailing her and saying things like, "You never listen to me!" He was quite frustrated with her and she was doing her best to not listen to him, it was obvious.

I caught it that she'd been manhandling the dog in a way he felt was too rough and had commanded her to put him down which is when her arms held the puppy even more tightly and she took off with him. My husband was talking at her in his frustrated voice and just kept telling her, "You don't LISTEN to me!"

I was watching her and it wasn't just her words but all of her communication was telling him to go away. Her body was turned from him, her head was turned and her eyes were looking away from him. 

Finally, she was turned the whole way away from him and she was kicking against his legs and saying, "Shut uuuuuup!" and "Go awaaaaaay!"

Dejected and feeling like a complete loser of a dad because he couldn't make his child obey, my husband sorta' just hung his head and walked away.

I was actually preoccupied with something else and just not feeling like bothering getting involved (loser me!) So, I was just mopping the floor thinking about how strong the Pinesol smelled...and in a few minutes my little girl who has never been spanked or punished...pushes past me and says she "needs to go tell Dad something."

I hadn't talked to her or anything, right? I'd not sat her down and reminded her who was boss, not scolded her, not lectured her, or prompted her to do anything! What was she off to?

Now, I was interested!! :) 

I put the mop down and had to follow and see what she was gonna do!

So, she went and found my husband and walked right up to him and said, "I'm sorry I was being mean to you." 

She then asked forgiveness and then told him why she wasn't listening to him. She was like, "I wanted to do this..." Explaining her case.

(I think it's also noteworthy that she saw what a lot of parents see as "disobedience" as "herself being mean.")

This is what spontaneously came out of my 4 year old who has never been spanked, punished, OR even told, "Go tell so-n-so you're sorry!!!!" Never done that kinda' stuff with her. 

(So, just where in the world did she learn to do this? She would have had to have seen this modeled by someone, I imagine. Maybe it's because we model it for her?) (note slight sarcastic edge there.) :)

We parents make mistakes. And, I feel from what I'd observed that in my husband's effort to do what he thought he needed to it wasn't so much that she "wasn't listening" it was that he was failing to make himself heard by his "telling her what to do" approach. This would be why she was rejecting him.

No one likes to be "talked at" do they? Not even when they're four...

He said afterwards that he felt like a failure and always does because the kids "don't listen to him." But...I asked...what do we want? Do we want kids who grow up to be "obedient" adults? 

(The Nazis were obedient adults) 

Or, do we want kids who will become grown-ups who will stand up for what they want, stand up for what's right, reject temptations and even commands to do wrong, and when they feel someone has been offended by them to immediately go and make peace with that person?

You can beat obedience into a kid. You can make a kid grow up to be an obedient adult. But, the 2nd type? You can't force that. In fact, "punishing" and "spanking" kids really makes the second scenario impossible. 

My daughter did this out of her own heart's desire to fix what she felt was wrong and she clearly FELT bad for how she'd treated her dad. Her focus was on the failings of her own behavior that she all on her own identified as her "being mean."

You can train a kid to go apologize...out of compulsion and perhaps after years of it can make them form a habit. But, the sincere desire that my 4 y/o had in her heart that compelled her from the inside to go fix what she'd done wrong can only come from love...never fear.

So, why does a little girl that has so much love for her mom n' dad...who feels so safe in her relationship with them..."disobey?" 

A dear friend of mine in Canada reminded me of Jesus' words that, "If you love Me you will obey my commands" so maybe it all comes down to the relationship at the moment? And, maybe if our children "disobey" maybe we need to focus on encouraging their love...not obedience? If Jesus says that we will obey if we love Him? What comes first is the love and the obedience follows? Not, that our children must prove they love us by obeying? 

So many people think that spanking/hitting is God's way and that God's ultimate goal is obedience. But, clearly...the only way to inspire true obedience that springs from a heart is love. 

God has never said He wants complaint people. Obedient. Compliance comes from fear, training, force, and knowing who's boss.

Obedience comes from love.

I see it time and time again that the whole thing with not spanking/hitting them...pays off for us in the end. I have had kids who I did spank/hit for disobedience, and, they never did stuff like this spontaneous apology. They were always too concerned with "covering their own butts" that they couldn't really see what they were doing in a situation like that...as tho' the huge threat of pain stood between them and the mirror that they needed to look into to see themselves. All they saw was the threat of that hiney whackin'!!! And, with that monster looming over them all they could do was attack it...with rationalizations, denials, excuses, and counter attacks...

Perfect love casts out fear. 

My little one's not afraid of us.

I guess it could be said equally in reverse...fear casts out perfect love.

It's a sickening thought to think of what would change in our relationship with her if we were to begin to focus on punishment and spanking/hitting her for not obeying!

And...you definitely reap what you sow. 

The fruit is delicious and nutritious ;)

"It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance"

Compliance vs Cooperation

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?

As soon as I saw this picture pass by my newsfeed of this common sight in Guatemala...it made me think of the difference between discipline and punishment...

It seems that most people believe that discipline and punish are synonyms (as in they mean the same thing.) But, they are not and do not mean the same thing at all.

Let's look at it in this photo (which was posted by a Guatemala tourism fan site on Facebook.) 

I don't know if this is two brothers...an uncle and nephew...or a man and his neighbor...or two random people...but it looks like a father and son...so this is the illustration we'll use...

The father appears to be teaching his son how to care for the family by gathering and bringing home what they call "leña" which they use for heating their stove to cook.

Dad could get the son to do this in 2 ways...by either inspiring cooperation or getting compliance from the child. 

Cooperation
co·op·er·a·tion [koh-op-uh-rey-shuh n]

noun

1. an act or instance of working or acting together for a common purpose or benefit; joint action.

2. more or less active assistance from a person, organization, etc.

3. willingness to cooperate

4. Economics . the combination of persons for purposes of production, purchase, or distribution for their joint benefit

5. Sociology . activity shared for mutual benefit.

Synonyms

collaboration - contribution

Compliance
com·pli·ance [kuh m-plahy-uh ns]

noun

1. the act of conforming, acquiescing, or yielding.

2. a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way.

3. conformity; accordance

Cooperation is a thoughtful choice followed by an act to participate in something as an act of working together. Love inspires thoughtful willful acts of participating in your life. Love inspires cooperation. True discipleship can only be done in love. And, perfect love casts out fear.

Compliance is an act of yielding to another's will. Compliance is gained by having power over someone. Compliance is gained through fear. Fear is inspired by punishment, pain, and the threats of pain. Perfect love casts out fear...so if fear is the way of inspiring compliance then love is not part of the process...and since God IS love then God...is not a part of gaining compliance from your children through threats and use of pain/punishment.

Cooperative children want to be a part of your life. Want to please you. Want to work together with you...alongside you...because they love you. Cooperation flows from a healthy relationship. Cooperation is the fruit of not inspiring fear in your children. Cooperation is the fruit of not spanking.

Compliant children will do what you say because they fear punishment. Compliance requires no relationship. Compliance is the fruit of fear. Compliance is the fruit of spanking.

From the perspective of the One who has said, "Fear not!!!" which type of children is He looking for? Which type of Father is He?

Slave vs. Son

Would you say that slaves are cooperating with their masters or complying with orders?

Do your children cooperate or comply?

Are your children therefore your slaves...or your "sons?"

Which do you think is God's way?

"Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God." Gal. 4:7

I wonder if the tendency of Christians to default to, "Well, we just can't understand these things we just have to have faith! God's ways are higher than ours! His ways are mysterious!" stems from the fact that their parents focused on gaining their children's compliance rather than cooperation?

If the parents expected obedience and did not give the child room to protest (or think) over the years this would have trained them to be compliant to authority and to be OK with doing things without understanding them. It would have even gone so far as to train these kids that this is the right way and the way God is. 

This, in my opinion, would be one more evidence of how when people like this claim that they were spanked and they turned out "OK" that no...they really didn't...because Jesus didn't die so that humans would say, "Yes Sir!" and march obediently and compliantly into heaven because we're afraid of the ultimate but whackin' (hell)...But that we'd cry out, "Daddy!" and run to God because we love Him!!!!

God wants people who are not afraid of hell because there's nothing that could keep them away from their Daddy God...not people who are running to heaven just because they're afraid of hell...

Which kind of parent are you?

  

Do your kids "do their chores" because they are inspired by you and love you and want to contribute to the home or because they know they'll get punished if they don't? Will they then someday run to God because they love Him or because they're afraid of hell?

2 Chronicles 16:9

For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.

There is no fear in love. Kids who are trained to comply obey out of fear aren't not choosing to cooperate and obeying out of love. And, without love...God's not a part of it at all...and your child's heart won't be able to be completely His...