Giving what you value - what does spanking teach?

Think of how you handle things of value. 

Imagine yourself...

...holding a $10,000 diamond necklace in your hand. 

...sitting in the driver's seat of a brand new Corvette.

...holding a newborn baby.

...walking across a room with a crystal vase full of roses.

When we handle things "of value" - we handle them carefully. Tenderly. With reverence.

A child seeing a parent handling a valuable item would see through the parent's body language that the thing they were holding...was valuable.

So...what does spanking demonstrate to the child about their value? 

When the child sees the parent scowling, raising an arm in order to inflict pain upon them - what does that parental body language tell the child about their value?

In the Bible we read about a widow who put 2 copper coins into the temple treasury. Jesus said she had put in more than the rich had. We know literally she hadn't put in coins of more value than the rich...so what does Jesus mean?

"He said, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all of them; for they all out of their surplus put into the offering; but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on.”"

Those two copper coins were of extreme value to the woman and yet she gave them to God. The rich placed little value on the coins they put in because they had so much, so to God...their donation wasn't worth what hers was.

Someday your hope is that your child will serve God, yes?

In which way will they offer service to God? Like the widow or like the rich? 

Will your child see themselves with the value that the widow did the coins, and yet give anyway? Or will your child see themselves with the value the rich did...as essentially worthless...and give of themselves believing they really aren't worth anything anyway, so why not?

The way you treat your child...will determine how much they value themselves. And out of that valuation, they will either please, or not please God with their service.

For their service to God to be of value to God someday they must first identify themselves as having a high value...and choose to give of themselves anyway.

Picture your body language during a spanking. Picture the way you handle their body when you are spanking them. Picture the whole scene from the child's perspective. Does that picture teach them they are of the utmost value? 

For that matter imagine the impact on your child when you do so many of the prescribed things in books by men like Ezzo, Tripp, and Dobson. Does ignoring a crying child teach them they are of high value or little? Does separating yourself from them regularly to have "time away from them" teach them they have high value or little? Does threatening them with a whipping if they are disturbing your peace teach them they have high value or little?

Remember that Jesus told us we are to always "consider others (and that includes your children) as more important than yourselves," and realize that had your child been the only human on earth - Jesus still would have died for them. That's how much your child matters. 

Spend some time and try to imagine how you could live with your children in such a way as to demonstrate to them their immense infinite (blood of Jesus) value and inspire them...to want to choose...to live a life committed to God?

  

 

Compliance vs Cooperation

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?

As soon as I saw this picture pass by my newsfeed of this common sight in Guatemala...it made me think of the difference between discipline and punishment...

It seems that most people believe that discipline and punish are synonyms (as in they mean the same thing.) But, they are not and do not mean the same thing at all.

Let's look at it in this photo (which was posted by a Guatemala tourism fan site on Facebook.) 

I don't know if this is two brothers...an uncle and nephew...or a man and his neighbor...or two random people...but it looks like a father and son...so this is the illustration we'll use...

The father appears to be teaching his son how to care for the family by gathering and bringing home what they call "leña" which they use for heating their stove to cook.

Dad could get the son to do this in 2 ways...by either inspiring cooperation or getting compliance from the child. 

Cooperation
co·op·er·a·tion [koh-op-uh-rey-shuh n]

noun

1. an act or instance of working or acting together for a common purpose or benefit; joint action.

2. more or less active assistance from a person, organization, etc.

3. willingness to cooperate

4. Economics . the combination of persons for purposes of production, purchase, or distribution for their joint benefit

5. Sociology . activity shared for mutual benefit.

Synonyms

collaboration - contribution

Compliance
com·pli·ance [kuh m-plahy-uh ns]

noun

1. the act of conforming, acquiescing, or yielding.

2. a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way.

3. conformity; accordance

Cooperation is a thoughtful choice followed by an act to participate in something as an act of working together. Love inspires thoughtful willful acts of participating in your life. Love inspires cooperation. True discipleship can only be done in love. And, perfect love casts out fear.

Compliance is an act of yielding to another's will. Compliance is gained by having power over someone. Compliance is gained through fear. Fear is inspired by punishment, pain, and the threats of pain. Perfect love casts out fear...so if fear is the way of inspiring compliance then love is not part of the process...and since God IS love then God...is not a part of gaining compliance from your children through threats and use of pain/punishment.

Cooperative children want to be a part of your life. Want to please you. Want to work together with you...alongside you...because they love you. Cooperation flows from a healthy relationship. Cooperation is the fruit of not inspiring fear in your children. Cooperation is the fruit of not spanking.

Compliant children will do what you say because they fear punishment. Compliance requires no relationship. Compliance is the fruit of fear. Compliance is the fruit of spanking.

From the perspective of the One who has said, "Fear not!!!" which type of children is He looking for? Which type of Father is He?

Slave vs. Son

Would you say that slaves are cooperating with their masters or complying with orders?

Do your children cooperate or comply?

Are your children therefore your slaves...or your "sons?"

Which do you think is God's way?

"Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God." Gal. 4:7

I wonder if the tendency of Christians to default to, "Well, we just can't understand these things we just have to have faith! God's ways are higher than ours! His ways are mysterious!" stems from the fact that their parents focused on gaining their children's compliance rather than cooperation?

If the parents expected obedience and did not give the child room to protest (or think) over the years this would have trained them to be compliant to authority and to be OK with doing things without understanding them. It would have even gone so far as to train these kids that this is the right way and the way God is. 

This, in my opinion, would be one more evidence of how when people like this claim that they were spanked and they turned out "OK" that no...they really didn't...because Jesus didn't die so that humans would say, "Yes Sir!" and march obediently and compliantly into heaven because we're afraid of the ultimate but whackin' (hell)...But that we'd cry out, "Daddy!" and run to God because we love Him!!!!

God wants people who are not afraid of hell because there's nothing that could keep them away from their Daddy God...not people who are running to heaven just because they're afraid of hell...

Which kind of parent are you?

  

Do your kids "do their chores" because they are inspired by you and love you and want to contribute to the home or because they know they'll get punished if they don't? Will they then someday run to God because they love Him or because they're afraid of hell?

2 Chronicles 16:9

For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.

There is no fear in love. Kids who are trained to comply obey out of fear aren't not choosing to cooperate and obeying out of love. And, without love...God's not a part of it at all...and your child's heart won't be able to be completely His...

Learning morality like learning to skate

Yesterday I went to the ice skating rink with the kids again. It was our 3rd time there. My 5 year old has progressed really well and it got me thinking…

Her 1st time there she could not even stand on the ice without help and I had to literally hold her up the whole time. The 2nd time there she found a “crutch” to use to get around on the ice. They have a bunch of those orange construction-site cones (can’t think what they’re called) there and the kids can hold them and skate. It’s really helpful. Plus then the highly unskilled skaters are “marked” with an orange marker!

Well, this time, she started off right away out onto the ice with one of those cones. Then, later I noticed her standing on the ice alone and I went to her, “Do you need help?”
She smiled and told me, “no.”
She had now progressed to scooting along the outer perimeter and grabbing the wall when she’d slip. It was the cutest thing!

I followed behind her and just shadowed her for the rest of the time we were there in case she needed help and of course, I was just thinking about child training and what I was doing and what would happen to her if I did something else instead…

What if when she would fall on her skates…I would make her go have a “time-out” and sit and think about why she’d fallen.

What if when she’d fall on her skates…I’d take something from her that she likes like a privilege and tell her that as soon as she can make it the whole way around the rink without falling she can have it back?

What if when she’d fall and totally wipe out and take out another kid with her…what if I’d take her off the rink and spank her?

What would any of these techniques REALLY accomplish as far as her learning to skate?
You all know it…it would crush her. It would ruin her zeal to learn to skate. It would take all the joy out of it. It would take all the pride out of her accomplishments. And, it would cause a huge rift in our relationship.

And, I know that people who are sold out on spanking being God’s way are like, “No, it’s not the same this it totally different!” But, HOW? 

Doesn’t the Bible refer to us as “falling” into sin? 
Don’t you think of the “fall” in the garden? 

Sinning is when we fail (or fall) when practicing the “skill” of being moral. And, our little kids are just as wobbly and unskilled on those “shoes” as my daughter is right now on skates.

1 Tim. 4:1 But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons…

1 Tim. 6:9 But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.

Heb. 4:11 Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.

2 Pet. 3:17 Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.

1 Cor. 10:12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.

(And, there are many others!)

If I trained her to skate the same way people train their kids to be moral…she would fall (which would be humiliating enough) and then just imagine how you would feel if you were 5 and your parent took you aside and spanked you for falling? 

Imagine it. 
Don’t you feel it? 
Don’t you almost wanna just say, “Forget it! I’m not even gonna keep trying!” That’s rebellion. 

You know, there’s this “common” stereotypical thing people expect – that teenagers will rebel. It’s as tho’ it’s a normal part of development. But, I believe it’s a normal consequence of “traditional” (kid falls and you punish them) parenting.

That’s why it’s so common for pastor’s and missionary’s kids to rebel. Those are the type of people you’re going to find to be most diligent in using physical force/coercion to get their kids to have moral behavior…

As I skated around with my little girl yesterday I was more solidified in the understanding as to how wrong it is to ever strike our children. Her precious little body with those tiny skates scooting along faster and faster…so focused…so joyful…so smiley…happy…proud she was! She’d once n’ a while slip and hang off the wall and she’d just look up at me with the cheesiest grin it was so sweet! 

And, there I was…just “ever-present” beside her…and when she fell I picked her up fast (if I didn’t catch her) or I’d catch her. I’d brush her off and comfort her. 

Twice she had a bad fall and she got really sad and I’d just pick her up and hold her tight for about 30 seconds and then she’d quit crying and get back to it again.

I just thought the whole time about how I was “being like God” just being right there to pick her up…not offering criticisms…not punishing her for failing…just following her and watching for obstacles…ready to help her…feeling so close to her and enjoying her every tiny gain in her skills…

Training your child in any skill should be a reason to whip out your camera…should be a time when you can even get tears in your eyes as you see your child growing in whatever skill it is. But, the most important skill we’ll ever be responsible for teaching our kids is normally none of that. 

A parent teaching morality is normally following behind their child not to protect them (as is the Biblical rod) but to use that rod to whack their kid every time their kid messes up. Parents follow their kid in order to criticize and to punish…and when the kid falls rather than “brushing off” the effects of their “fall” and “cleaning them up”…we treat them like dogs and “rub their noses” in it, “Look at what you did!”…and there is no enjoyment in it…

(we even now know not to rub dog's noses in their mistakes)

We make our kids feel shame about their falling…and we make them separate themselves from everyone else and “think about what they did”…we make them “dwell on their sins”…”dwell on their mistakes” and  then we wonder how they get older and can’t forgive themselves and have self hatred because they can’t get over things they’ve done wrong in the past!

The truth is just right there…right there in front of our faces every day…(Romans 1)

Once my 5 year old has the skills to skate she’s going to remember the pain that came from her own failures and the times she fell but the pain will not be remembered as coming from me. 

She’ll remember as she looks back that I was a source of safety, comfort, protection, and “salvation” from the dangers that were all around her as she learned this skill. 

Parents, your children should be able to see you that way to in the area of learning morality, because, that’s who the Bible says God is for us. And, we’re to be showing them what God is like…

Do your kids think of you with fear...and know pain comes from YOU when they “fall”? 

Do they think that getting away from you when they fall is where they are safest? 

Do they see you as following behind them to catch them (in the act) when they fall so you can cause them some pain? 

Have you made it so that they feel like it’s safer not to even try?

Colossians 3:21

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

Eph. 6:4

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Satan came to steal, kill, and destroy…don’t continue to be robbed of the most precious, awesome, and rewarding relationship that you’re supposed to have with your kids…even when they fall...

Cooperation vs Compliance: Love vs Fear

As soon as I saw this picture pass by my newsfeed of this common sight in Guatemala...it made me think of the difference between discipline and punishment...


Most people believe that discipline and punish are synonyms (as in they mean the same thing.) But, they are not and do not mean the same thing at all.

Let's look at it in this photo (which was posted by a Guatemala tourism fan site on Facebook.)

Can't tell from the photo what the actual relationship pictured is, but we can tell that it's an older person and a younger person. So...whether it would be his uncle, older brother, or father this applies...

What they are doing is they are gathering and bringing home what they call "leña" which they use for heating their stove to cook.

The father could get the son to do this in 2 ways...by either inspiring cooperation or getting compliance from the child.

Cooperation
co·op·er·a·tion [koh-op-uh-rey-shuh n]
noun
1. an act or instance of working or acting together for a common purpose or benefit; joint action.
2. more or less active assistance from a person, organization, etc.
3. willingness to cooperate
4. Economics . the combination of persons for purposes of production, purchase, or distribution for their joint benefit
5. Sociology . activity shared for mutual benefit.
Synonyms
collaboration - contribution

- - -

Compliance
com·pli·ance [kuh m-plahy-uh ns]
noun
1. the act of conforming, acquiescing, or yielding.
2. a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way.
3. conformity; accordance

Cooperation is a thoughtful choice followed by an act to participate in something as an act of working together. 

Love inspires thoughtful willful acts of participating in your life. Love inspires cooperation. True discipleship can only be done in love. And, perfect love casts out fear.
Compliance is an act of yielding to another's will.

Compliance is gained by having power over someone. Compliance is gained through fear. Fear is inspired by punishment, pain, and the threats of pain. Perfect love casts out fear...so if fear is the way of inspiring compliance then love is not part of the process...and since God IS love then God...is not a part of gaining compliance from your children through threats and use of pain/punishment.

Cooperative children want to be a part of your life. Want to please you. Want to work together with you...alongside you...because they love you. Cooperation flows from a healthy relationship. Cooperation is the fruit of not inspiring fear in your children. Cooperation is the fruit of not spanking.

Compliant children will do what you say because they fear punishment. Compliance requires no relationship. Compliance is the fruit of fear. Compliance is the fruit of spanking.

From the perspective of the One who has said, "Fear not!!!" which type of children is He looking for? Which type of Father is He?

Slave vs. Son
Would you say that slaves are cooperating with their masters or complying with orders?

Do your children cooperate or comply?

Are your children therefore your slaves...or your "sons?"

Which do you think is God's way?

Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God. Gal. 4:7

I wonder if the tendency of Christians to default to, "Well, we just can't understand these things we just have to have faith! God's ways are higher than ours! His ways are mysterious!" stems from the fact that their parents focused on gaining their children's compliance rather than cooperation?

This, in my opinion, would be one more evidence of how when people like this claim that they were spanked and they turned out "OK" that no...they really didn't...because Jesus didn't die so that humans would say, "Yes Sir!" and march compliantly into heaven because we're afraid of the ultimate but whackin' (hell)...But that we'd cry out, "Daddy!" and run to God because we love Him!!!!

God wants people who are not afraid of hell because there's nothing that could keep them away from their Daddy God...not people who are running to heaven just because they're afraid of hell...

Which kind of parent are you?



Do your kids "do their chores" and behave because they are inspired by you and love you and want to contribute to the home or because they know they'll get punished if they don't?

Will they then someday run to God because they love Him or because they're afraid of hell?

Worth thinking about...