Guest Post from the "Anti Spanking Fight Club" on Facebook

I keep hearing about this "calm spanking" being the one true way to hit a child. I've yet to meet ANY parent who "calmly" spanked. And I'm speaking of Christian and other folk who have claimed that they practice this with their children. Hitting is violence, it causes the adrenal gland to over produce in both the parent, and the unfortunate child.

That's why so many adults who were spanked as children suffer from anxiety, and tend to be fearful. That's why adults who were spanked have a tendency to have weight issues. That's why adults who were spanked don't go outside of their familiar boxes, and they do "safe" things, like jobs where they don't have to think too deeply.

That's why emotions are scary. Feelings are scary. They are terrified of making mistakes. Decisions are painful. So they don't take chances.

That's why they tend to live in the same town forever. That's why adults who were hit have a tendency towards bigotry because they are fearful of different people.

That's why they get headaches and have stomach problems disproportionately over adults who were never spanked. Adults who were raised in true calm environments where purposely inflicted pain was not a part of their upbringing have less fears and are more open to diversity and new experiences.

That's why they feel their biggest accomplishment is never going to jail. That's why they become angry and emotional when they hear of parents who don't practice hurting children's bodies.

How devestating to realize that you were hit for nothing! So the "calmly spanked" adult makes untrue value judgements such as "children who are not spanked shoot up schools." Or "children who are not spanked are lazy and entitled."

And...that's why adults who were hit, hit their own children.

There is no such thing as a "calm" spanking, or an adult who is "perfectly fine" who was calmly spanked as a child. Not saying that people who were hit are terrible people, or dysfunctional people, but you're not "fine" no one is totally "fine" and that in it's self is delusional if you feel that being spanked made you into a great person. None of us are unscathed, even under the most loving of circumstances.

Life hurts at times.

I've been in this world for awhile, I've known you "calmly" spanked adults. Many of you, and you're not fine. You're just blind to your many issues because you were taught to not feel. I'm not writing this to be mean, my heart breaks for you. You are my family, my love ones, my friends and my neighbors. I'm married to a man raised in a "calm spanking" household. Yes you love your parents, yes they loved you, but they were wrong, their parents were wrong and no one is "perfectly fine" for surviving a painful childhood.

Let's do better by our children. Give them a true calm and peaceful upbringing that is pain free. So they don't have to just be "fine." Let's aim for our children to thrive!

Check out Anti Spanking Fight Club on Facebook

Choose your assistant! Facebook comments on spanking tell the truth.

Imagine you have just crashed in an airplane and are now utterly alone in a different country where you are completely ignorant of their customs and language. 

You were injured in the accident and so you need help getting from place to place, bathing, and going to the bathroom. And as your brain is healing from the trauma, you confuse easily and tend to make poor decisions and even have fits from time to time because of this.

The doctors assure that you will "outgrow" the fits and poor decisions as your brain heals from the accident. But, until then it is necessary for you to have an assistant to help and guide you.

You have been granted access to an assistant to teach you the customs and language of the new world you live in. This assistant will help you in all the physical things you need help with, as well. And, this person will be in charge of assisting you when you make stupid decisions as you learn how to be part of this new country.

You are choosing your assistant based on what your potential assistant will do with you to help you during those many many times that you will make mistakes and break the cultural customs, mess up the language, and make decisions which are unhealthy, unsafe, or undesirable in the country you now reside...

The assistant organization posts a "test post" on Facebook about reacting to a person who has had a moment that requires teaching...and it is up to you to look at the comments by potential assistants and choose one...

Test Comment: 

Which of the following potential assistants would you choose to help you as you learn how to live in your new country based on their responses to the above scenario in which a person is viewed responding to the person they are responsible for with force? Any of these??

Or, would you choose one of the following people to be your assistant...

Your child is new to this world...and need to learn the customs and language as well as how to make decisions with their brand new but underdeveloped brains. 

Children do not arrive ready to do everything perfectly...that's why they need you...to assist and guide them (like a shepherd) to help them learn.

And, most importantly...your child is a PERSON.

What type of person would you want being in charge of you if it was you?

And, what type of person in charge are you?

NOTE: 

For Christians who believe that NOT spanking is "of the world" compare the comments from both sides. These were not "hand picked" but represent a typical spanking discussion thread anywhere on the internet. 

Note there is one side of the argument which relies on threats, cuss words, disrespect, all with an abundance of poor spelling. 

On the other side you see high levels of intelligence, reliance on facts, peace, respect for others. 

Which side do you think is more like Jesus? And, which side are you on?

And, which came first? One thing parents don't think about is the effect that spanking their children has on themselves. Did these cussing, disrespectful people start spanking their children because they were this type of person? Or, did they become this type of person after they'd gone down the path of teaching with hitting?

What happens to kids if you don't spank?

So, yesterday...I'm at Sam's Club with three of my daughters. The youngest, age 6, has never been spanked...or "punished" to be taught lessons.

We're on our way through the store and she got "stuck." She decided she wanted me to buy a case of soda (which our family will consume in 12 hours and so I rarely buy it) and I just said, "No." She didn't feel like I was hearing her, I guess, and she really wanted me to buy sodas! So, she lingered behind, angry. My 11 y/o walked back to where she was and reached out to grab her arm and "make" her come along with us, but it didn't work out that way.

The 6 y/o stood her ground, grabbed her sister's hand and dug in her finger nails, breaking the skin in one place.

So, now...it's my turn. What am I going to do about this situation? What lesson will I teach and what will the 6 y/o take with her into adulthood regarding this moment? What example am I about to set?

At first, I was tempted to fall back into my old ways and do the lazy thing...and just scold her and tell her to tell her sister, "sorry." That temptation is always there. 10 years ago I'd have ended the whole situation in a matter of seconds and just scolded, and spanked that child. 

But, trouble is...even when I'm out in public and "busy"...if I'm supposed to be teaching my little daughter how to be a good and godly adult someday...I myself have to resist the temptations to be "bad" and handle my problems the same way that 6 y/o just did (by striking). One of the biggest lessons I'll ever teach is my example, true? And, even in the instantly-gratifying-USA usually the right road isn't the easy one...

Matthew 7:12-14

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it." 

So, I stopped shopping, knelt down, and I asked her why she wanted the sodas so badly? She told me that she'd wanted to have some to share with everyone at home. 

I asked her, "If I did something really mean to Dad to get you a toy would you be happy about that?"

She said she would not.

I asked her, "Do you think the other kids at home would be happy to know that she'd hurt Evy to be able to get them the sodas?"

She said they would not.

I then pointed out some other things to her...

- you were mad at me and so you were mean to your sister and that's not fair to her.

- your sister is only trying to help you and you hurt her because you were mad at me and that wasn't nice.

- when you feel better, which you will in a few minutes, your sister's hand is still going to hurt and that's not fair. She will have pain in her hand for a long time when you feel all better and it wasn't even her fault you were mad.

These are all things a grown-up can process and understand, true? But, little kids need to be taught how to see and process these things... (actually, sometimes grown-ups need help with this...and I wonder why?)

Because kidnapping is something our family has dealt with in real life in the past (* see below), I also asked her, "What do you think your sister would do if a bad guy came in the store and tried to take you?"

Her eyes got wide and serious...and totally focused on me. (Because she was not sitting there afraid of anything I was about to do to her...I had her full attention. She was not even a little bit focused on doing something to avoid pain...she was only listening to what I was going to say next...)

She said she thought her sister would try to help her. I agreed and added to it, "And, you know what? She would jump on that guy and do anything she could to stop him from hurting you or stealing you even if it meant that he would hurt her or even kill her."

Her eyes...at this point are totally glued to me. She was focused on what I was trying to teach her.

I then pointed out to her that she had just hurt that person who would even die for her all because she was mad at me. I asked her what she thought of that? She said that she thought it was very bad and mean. And, I then reminded her that she needs to never hurt the people who really care about her. 

At this point now...she was almost crying. 

And...she was not almost crying because...she was afraid I was going to spank her. She was not almost crying because she had just gotten her hiney smacked and was in pain. She was not almost crying because of anything to do with her outsides..but because she realized deep within her little heart...what she had done wrong to her sister. I'd gotten inside her heart...where the motivations (only part of our behavior that matters) for our behavior are...

Matthew 15:16-19

Jesus said, “Are you still lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.

I picked her up then and told her how much I loved her and she just held me. I sat her butt on the cart's handle and pushed my way down the aisle with her in my arms till we got to the next thing I needed to throw in the cart and then I set her down.

Half way down the aisle...she was all better. And, she was also "a better person". She had learned a bunch of lessons...And, she looked "happy." She wasn't nursing her wounds (sore butt) and she wasn't upset at all for herself...

"the truth had set her free."

The two older ones were not where we could see them as we rounded the next aisle and I hear behind me that sweet little voice ask, "Where's Evy? I need to tell her sorry!"

And, as soon as we were all reunited she told her sister she was sorry and looked like she really meant it...because it had come from her own heart and was not something she was forced to say out of fear...

A lot of parents would feel like she "got away with it" and it's a really sad sad attitude for a parent to have because retribution...pay-backs...revenge for wrongs...is not for us to dole out to anyone. And, that is exactly what is in the heart of a person who feels someone needs to suffer so as to "not get away with" something. If you feel your child "needs to pay for what they did wrong" or "learn their lesson" by suffering...you're doing it wrong.

My little unspanked 6 y/o definitely "learned her lesson" in my several-minute disciplinary session with her.

She learned that...
- mom cares enough to stop what she's doing to help her
- mom won't hurt her when she's bad
- mom will tell her the truth when she's bad
- finding out that truth can hurt but helps you become a better person
- there is hope to become a better person when you make mistakes
- mom will still love her after she's been bad
- she should not hurt the people who love her
- she should not hurt people when she's mad
- when she lashes out at someone in anger that person will suffer for a while and that it's not fair
- her sister would probably die for her

These lessons will apply even when no one is around to punish her if she does something mean or bad again. She will not consider behaving this way in the context of, "Is anyone looking? Can I get away with it?" because she will never "get away" with behaving like this even if she is the only one to see because these lessons are in her heart now...

And, they would all be made invisible if they were in the shadow of a painful spanking.

Romans 12:19 

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.

And, not just her...but me, too. What would I have missed out on had I been of the "spare the rod..." mindset an felt that I needed to "teach her a lesson" using my body against hear body and not my mind and heart connected to hers? I, too, would have lost out and learned a lousy lesson. The negative effects of spanking aren't just the child's...they're ours, too.

I encourage you...

Really look at how you act when you are "disciplining" your child. What example are you setting?

Really look at what you are teaching them. 

Really look at what lessons they have absorbed. What lessons have you absorbed?

And, have you just taught that lesson with your body? Or...your mind and heart?

And, mostly...remember...that there is no fear in love. You may think you lovingly spank your children, but if they have fear of being spanked...there is no love in that. And, that fear will ruin any lesson you ever want to teach them...

Let the violence in the church stop!

Matthew 11:12

From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force.

- - -

*KIDNAPPING and our family

Tori's dad was 4 when his parents went to Guatemala. He lived there 40 years. At one point in time there was a kidnapping ring in operation and Grandpa was on that list. One morning, my husband awoke to the sound of the dogs barking angrily. Armed men were "escorting" one of the neighbors and 2 of her children toward my husband's home. 

Grandpa fled into the jungle. The kidnappers shot the family dog in front of them. Then, they took Grandma, one of Tori's aunts, and 2 houseguests. Ransom was demanded or they'd be killed. A military shoot-out with the kidnappers is what finally freed them.

A few years before that Tori's dad was taken out into the jungle and held at gunpoint while communist guerrillas burned their mission compound and my husband's airplanes. Tori's dad was to be executed that night but was released when help arrived.

When I lived there from 2000-2010 we had friends who were kidnapped and executed.

Finally, we were present when a mob burned a man alive and went bezerk for 3 days - chasing the police and army out of town. Tori's dad was taken hostage by the mob and I got a phone call from him during this informing me to get the kids out "now!" because our home was threatened. It was the most terrifying day of my life.

After that, there were rumors of people wanting to kidnap one of our children...and so now we live in Florida...(where even here we have wacko's who like to snag and harm kids.) 

So, if anyone thinks it's "over the top" or an attempt to terrify my child into contrition by bringing up the "bad guy taking her" I think you better understand why I said that. It's a topic that all my kids have heard about and can totally relate to in a way your average American kid cannot...

There is a book about my husband's family available here...

Oh, my God! You just broke the 3rd Commandment!!

I have often thought that the Bible just has too many words, ya know?


What if the Bible were only the 10 Commandments...and the one command that Jesus says fulfills the whole law, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

In the time that Jesus lived, the Jews took saying things against God SO SERIOUSLY...that Jesus was killed for it. Jesus got the death penalty for insinuating that He was God.

Would Jesus get even a slap on the hand from modern Christians for insinuating something about God these days?

Exodus 20:7 

“You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.

In the list of 10 no-no's...there are things like murder, envy, adultery...and there is this "not taking the Lord's name in vain." And, modern Christians have come to believe that this simply means we're not supposed to say, "Good Lord!" or "Oh my God!"

Really?

Taking the Lord's name in vain...is when you attribute to God something that's not Him at all. 

Example...once upon a time I was part of a ladies' group and this lady gave a praise report...she'd wrecked her mini-van but it happened a week after she was really busy with visitors and so she thanked God for "His timing" of her accident?

Really? 

Such nonsensical attributions to God have marred His awesomeness in the world and turned this world into a world where people accept that bad comes from God...and have rejected Him because of it. Such careless attributions to God for tragedies like miscarriages, tragic deaths, and all other things that involve the world being "stolen from, killed, and having their lives destroyed" (satan's job) have made it so that we live in a world where Christians cannot see how much of an attack on God's character the assertion is that God wants us to hit/spank innocent little children.

Deuteronomy 5:11 

‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.

Instead of being punished for spouting nonsense about God, people nod their heads and say, "Amen!"

We've gotten so far from protecting God's character from blasphemy with stoning people and giving Jesus the death sentence...to now applauding people who misrepresent God in gross ways...like this...

The failure to protect God's character and keep the 3rd Commandment to not take the Lord's name in vain...has led us to a world where Christians openly and proudly publicly profess that they hit their children in God's name.

To this common occurrence in my world, on this Easter Morning in 2014, I say, "Oh my God..." God help us.

Isaiah 5:20

Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!

Spanking reduces parents to animals...

Something worth noting about words...

If you can't read or write it is a real problem, yes? To we humans, to be without words is a real handicap. Right?

It's one of the big things that separates us from the animals. We communicate with highly complex thoughts and animals...well, yes, they communicate, too, but they can't speak. They can't hold a conversation. And, mostly, they can't reason...

2 Peter 2:12

But these, like unreasoning animals, born as creatures of instinct to be captured and killed, reviling where they have no knowledge, will in the destruction of those creatures also be destroyed...

Jude 1:10

But these men revile the things which they do not understand; and the things which they know by instinct, like unreasoning animals, by these things they are destroyed.

One way to "worship" God is to imitate Him. 

Ephesians 5:1

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children... 

And, He...is the living Word. So, for us to reason and use our words...brings God honor as we reflect His image that we're created in...

Isaiah 1:18

“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the Lord... 

So, when a parent EVER has to resort to spanking/hitting...because they have just run out of things to say and they're convinced they just can't reason with their child...they have actually become like an animal...resorting to actions and force and abandoning their use of that which makes them most like God...

You can "bite their heads off"...

You can "chew their butts out"...

You can spank...

OR...

You can reason like God...

Spanking puts the parent in a bad autopilot mode...

One reason spanking is bad...is how it trains the parent to function in autopilot...

You know how it works with anything you want to learn. You put on a pair of skates for the first time and...you spend as much time on your butt as on the skates, right? You wobble, you fall, you keep going. You practice. You repeat the activity over and over and eventually you don't even have to think about it anymore, you simply "skate." Falling becomes a ghost in your past and you feel like you could "skate in your sleep."

Practice makes perfect, right?

Have you ever thought about "what you practice" with your children and what that's training you to be able to "even do in your sleep?" People often approach their babies and toddlers with the attitude/belief that children "can't be reasoned with" and that is how they begin to practice relating to their child. What they don't realize is that this doesn't reach a point where it changes...but becomes that well-practiced thing they do on autopilot.

When we arrive at the place where our children begin to behave in ways we don't want them to we are at an intersection. The intersection of our desires for their behavior and our choice of reacting to it. We could choose the path where every time our child displeases us with their behavior that practice talking to them, and investigating all the reasons why they could be acting this way. We could begin go practice seeking out ways to change how they feel inside so that they will no longer act in the ways we dislike. We could begin to practice that and make that become our automatic reaction to our children.

Or...we could go down another path. We could begin practicing punishing them and telling them to stop acting that way.

Whichever thing we begin to practice will eventually become "second nature." If the path we have chosen is punishment and spanking, when our child misbehaves it just comes automatically to give them a swat on the hiney, even for minor infractions. 

While I don't have statistics for it, if you think about it, what's one common cry of our teenagers? Listen to them complain and listen to their music and you can hear it over and over..."My parents just don't understand me." Where do you think that comes from?

Would this universal lament of teenagers come from children who are listened to and reasoned with...or from children whose parents didn't feel children could be reasoned with and approached all misbehavior with punishment?

If you start off your relationship with your child believing that the child cannot be reasoned with and that "talking" to them is not the way to go...and you practice over and over, "misbehavior = punishment" rather than "misbehavior = attempting to understand why this behavior is happening"...if your teenage children start to engage in self-destructive or unhealthy behavior...your autopilot reaction will not be to talk to them and try to figure out what's wrong. 

How you have trained yourself to relate to them...the autopilot that you have programmed yourself with...will lead you to not even consider all the things that might be causing their behavior. The autopilot that started off dismissing what was inside your toddler's brain because they were "too little to reason with," will lead you to ground, punish, and dismiss your child as just "being a typical rebellious teen."

And, this approach to parenting won't only affect your parent/child relationship. If you have been training yourself to deal with displeasing behavior not with investigation and understanding but with "punishment" what will be your automatic reaction to someone pulling out in front of you while driving? What will likely be your first automatic reaction to anyone doing anything "wrong" to you? To reason? Or lash out, control and punish?

Spanking trains a child to expect punishment, and go into "fight or flight" when they do something wrong, and it trains the parent to "attack and punish" when someone does something wrong.

Even without a degree in psychology it's easy to see how unhelpful both of those reactions are in any relationship. If you want to train yourself and your child to have an autopilot that will lead them to first wonder about the many reasons why a person has just pulled out in front of them while driving without feeling the need to "punish" them (give the finger) when they're grown...you must practice doing that with them...

What you practice with your children will program their autopilot...and yours...

You can either begin your relationship with your child's poor behavior by always asking, "why" and digging into their hearts and looking for positive solutions...and practice that with them over and over their whole life. Or, you can practice reacting to behavior you don't like with disregarding their thoughts and feelings, striking out and hitting/spanking your child...

The choice is yours.

You want to see your children making good choices? Start off by making one yourself...