How to teach forgiveness...

I had an experience the other night that has left me troubled and unsettled. I have that feeling one might have if you walked out of a store (by accident) and had an item in your cart that you didn't actually pay for. (Now, some might feel triumphant having accidentally stolen something and in that case…I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Christians right now.) What I am talking about is that troubling feeling that something is owed. I have that feeling. Only, the thing I owe isn't an item I accidentally took, it is an offense I caused against another person.

I dropped my 17 year old off at soccer practice and explained to him that I'd be a few minutes late getting him and not to worry. The reason I'd be late is because at the time he was to be picked up I'd be just exiting gymnastics with 2 of his little sisters. 

That time came (which was 7:30), and we exited gymnastics. And, rather than driving the 1/4 mile over to the soccer field, I totally spaced it out. Yep. I drove to Lowe's and casually looked at some plants. I drove home and casually ate some food and started cleaning out one of the fish tanks. La la la. 

Around 8:30 my older son walks into the room and asks where his brother is?

Adrenaline shot through me and my eyes nearly popped out of my head. Panic! Horror! It was an hour ago that he was to be picked up! It was already dark! And, I had noticed when he got out of the van when I let him out that he'd forgotten his cell phone! 

I ran to my van and did my best to not speed while I pushed every limit to get there as fast as I could.

When I found him he was about 1/2 mile into his walk. I could see him there walking and all types of thoughts were battering me as I imagined how it felt to be forgotten? To give up and start walking home because your mother was too busy with your siblings to remember you? I don't know if I could have felt more awful! The guilt was terrible! 

I pulled over, heart racing, feeling sick in my stomach, feeling ashamed...expecting and almost wishing for an angry face and some yelling or some scolding, but, he smiled and laughed that I'd forgotten. He didn't seem to feel any need to "punish" me at all for this. 

He forgave me for forgetting.

This is supposed to be awesome, isn't it? Forgiveness? It's what Jesus did for us on the cross, right? But, I didn't feel "free" to BE forgiven for it. Something inside me felt the need to suffer before I could feel OK about what I did.

For the Christian this is probably one of the most important things to comprehend. Yet, do we? We evangelize and try to get people to recite that sinner's prayer all the time to be forgiven, but, yet do we actually comprehend "forgiveness" at all in the church?

Let's look at verses about "forgiveness" and see… 

- - -

Psalm 130:4
But there are punishment with You, that You may be feared.

Psalm 130:7 
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, because with the Lord there are consequences and with him there is unlimited punishment

Psalm 14:9 
The wise make fun of guilt, but there is forgiveness among permissive people.

Matthew 18:21
Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you to forgive him because he should experience punishments, I do not say to to repay him up to seven times, but to repay him up to seventy times seven."

Matthew 26:28 
for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the beginning of the forgiveness of sins.

Mark 1:4 
John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness preaching a baptism of experiencing punishments for the forgiveness of sins.

Luke 1:76-78 
"And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare His ways; to give His people the knowledge of salvation by the experiencing of punishments because of their sins,"

Acts 26:18
[I am sending you] to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive punishment for their sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me.

Hebrews 10:18 
This is the covenant that I will make with them. After those days, says the Lord; I will put My laws upon their heart, and on their mind I will write them. And, their sins and their lawless deeds I will punish them for." Now where there is punishment for these things, there is no longer any offering for sin. 
- - -

Oh wait! 

That's not what the Bible says, is it? I altered those verses…didn't I?! 

We all know that "it's by grace we've been saved thru faith and that's nothing we did it is the gift of God…" Right? We all know that, don't we?

I think we all know that like a skinny lady "knows" she's not fat. Our minds tell us one thing but our hearts are convinced of another... 

God wrote the Bible. Therefore it was His idea to refer to Himself as our "Father" and we His "children". 

He chose this purposely, wouldn't you imagine? 

Romans 1 says so. And, Romans 1 says that we're supposed to learn lessons from everything He's made and to not learn makes Him mad! So, a few lessons this analogy could teach us are for one...we are supposed to be able to look at our own interactions with our own children and learn about God. And, we are supposed to be able to look at our own interactions with God and learn how to be a parent.

When we look at those verses without me messing them up...we see how God parents His children when they're naughty… 

- - - 

Psalm 130:4 
But there is forgiveness with You, that You may be feared.

Psalm 130:7 
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, because with the Lord there is mercy and with him there is unlimited forgiveness

Psalm 14:9 
Stubborn fools make fun of guilt, but there is forgiveness among decent people.

Matthew 18:21
Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, " I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

Matthew 26:28 
for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins.

Mark 1:4 
John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.

Luke 1:76-78 
"And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare His ways; to give His people the knowledge of salvation by the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God." 
- - -

Which way do you parent? Are you more like those first verses that I altered or like the ones you just read?

When your kids are naughty...
Do you forgive them or do you...take their cell phones? 
Do you forgive them or do you...take their favorite toys? 
Do you forgive them or do you...make them go to bed without supper? 
Do you forgive them or do you...ground them? 
Do you forgive them or do you...take their car keys?
Do you forgive them or do you...hit/spank them? 

I'm almost positive that if you're like me...your mind says, "Yeah! But, kids NEED to have consequences!"

Uh huh. Yep. 

All "bad" choices have a natural negative consequences. It's why those choices are labeled "bad" to begin with.

Being punished isn't a consequence...it's being not forgiven.
THINK about this!  

Our minds have been totally warped by the world and how we were raised.

God is the one who told us that the way we raise kids up…when they're old they won't depart from it.

Check this verse out...

- - -

Acts 26:18 

[I am sending you] to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me. 

- - -

Until we're able to receive forgiveness…we're in darkness and in the dominion of Satan. Until we're able to RECEIVE forgiveness we're still in darkness and in the dominion of Satan.

Do you realize what that means, really? 

My son forgave me for forgetting to pick him up, but, I can't RECEIVE that. I can't accept that. Something in me…that was trained as a child that when I messed up I got hurt…I got a butt whacking or something taken from me…SOMEHOW I PAID for what I'd done…and now that I'm grown I can't depart from it! That's still in me. That training that I'm obligated to PAY for what I've done prevents me from RECEIVING forgiveness for even small things like being late to pick up my son from soccer…when he's not even mad!

Is this in my head? No. I believe him that he's not mad. But, in every other cell of my body I feel like I need to "pay" for this somehow. 

The reason for this is simple: this was how my parents trained me by giving me their idea of "consequences" which were swift and consistent punishments. I am old now but I have not gone far from that.

Parents who are striving to not use punishment are usually accused by punishers of being, "permissive" and that those kids will run wild…but…re-read the verses about forgiveness. 

What kind of parent is God? 

Clearly, He forgives. Clearly, He knows best how to raise kids. And, clearly, He does not "spank" us. He forgives us. And, this forgiveness for "sins" is supposed to set us free, release us from darkness, and release us from satan's power…

And, He is our example how to live.

He is our example how to parent.

And, when we fail to follow His example, our children end up unable to receive forgiveness. We end up raising kids who overwork themselves to earn our love...to earn God's love. Kids who feel they have to work work work once they're part of a church, saying "yes" to everything. We raise kids who are too hard on themselves. And, we raise kids who live in constant "stress" which ultimately makes their bodies sick...

So many parents…and people who follow the teachings of people like the Pearl's in, "To Train up a Child", think that they're helping to ensure the salvation of their children. They think that they're parenting like God. They think that they're doing right. But, when they train up their child to expect punishment for wrongdoing, they are ensuring that their children remain in darkness and in the dominion of satan because of their inability to receive forgiveness.

The only way to raise up children who can receive forgiveness is to raise them in such a way that they do not expect to be punished for doing wrong. 

Sadly, I was not at peace until I found a way to "punish" myself for having forgotten to pick up my son. It wasn't necessarily conscious but it was persistent. Some form of penance had to occur before I could be released. Making his favorite meals? Buying him something? Maybe once something "bad" finally happened to me I'd feel relieved. 

Basically, when I mess up...darkness and satan have a power over me that Jesus died to release me from...until I feel I've suffered "enough." 

AND...the other way that darkness "has me" is that not only do I expect payment for sin from myself...but I'm not at peace with others when they sin against me unless they suffer. Being raised in a punitive environment makes it so that when people "sin" against you...you need to see them suffer before you can forgive them...That isn't God's way, either... :(

The "rod" of Bible times was a weapon that the shepherds carried and used on predators. If a shepherd were to have struck his fragile sheep with that weapon it would have only hurt and weakened the sheep and therefore made it easier for a predator to get that sheep. 

Turning on your children and using the rod on the…spiritually…insures the same thing. 

Hebrews 10:18 

This is the covenant that I will make with them. After those days, says the Lord; I will put My laws upon their heart, and on their mind I will write them. And, their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more." Now where there is forgiveness of these things, there is no longer any offering for sin.

The Biblical Rod:

Fruit of not spanking: "I'm sorry I was being mean."

Obedience seems to be a big deal to parents and stands out in an unrivaled manner to determine our "goodness" or "badness" as a parent. It doesn't seem to matter what other qualities our child has just so long as a child is obedient parents will get the "good job" label.

But, I don't think so.

One Saturday night my 4 year old came running out of the bedroom holding the puppy. My husband was tailing her and saying things like, "You never listen to me!" He was quite frustrated with her and she was doing her best to not listen to him, it was obvious.

I caught it that she'd been manhandling the dog in a way he felt was too rough and had commanded her to put him down which is when her arms held the puppy even more tightly and she took off with him. My husband was talking at her in his frustrated voice and just kept telling her, "You don't LISTEN to me!"

I was watching her and it wasn't just her words but all of her communication was telling him to go away. Her body was turned from him, her head was turned and her eyes were looking away from him. 

Finally, she was turned the whole way away from him and she was kicking against his legs and saying, "Shut uuuuuup!" and "Go awaaaaaay!"

Dejected and feeling like a complete loser of a dad because he couldn't make his child obey, my husband sorta' just hung his head and walked away.

I was actually preoccupied with something else and just not feeling like bothering getting involved (loser me!) So, I was just mopping the floor thinking about how strong the Pinesol smelled...and in a few minutes my little girl who has never been spanked or punished...pushes past me and says she "needs to go tell Dad something."

I hadn't talked to her or anything, right? I'd not sat her down and reminded her who was boss, not scolded her, not lectured her, or prompted her to do anything! What was she off to?

Now, I was interested!! :) 

I put the mop down and had to follow and see what she was gonna do!

So, she went and found my husband and walked right up to him and said, "I'm sorry I was being mean to you." 

She then asked forgiveness and then told him why she wasn't listening to him. She was like, "I wanted to do this..." Explaining her case.

(I think it's also noteworthy that she saw what a lot of parents see as "disobedience" as "herself being mean.")

This is what spontaneously came out of my 4 year old who has never been spanked, punished, OR even told, "Go tell so-n-so you're sorry!!!!" Never done that kinda' stuff with her. 

(So, just where in the world did she learn to do this? She would have had to have seen this modeled by someone, I imagine. Maybe it's because we model it for her?) (note slight sarcastic edge there.) :)

We parents make mistakes. And, I feel from what I'd observed that in my husband's effort to do what he thought he needed to it wasn't so much that she "wasn't listening" it was that he was failing to make himself heard by his "telling her what to do" approach. This would be why she was rejecting him.

No one likes to be "talked at" do they? Not even when they're four...

He said afterwards that he felt like a failure and always does because the kids "don't listen to him." But...I asked...what do we want? Do we want kids who grow up to be "obedient" adults? 

(The Nazis were obedient adults) 

Or, do we want kids who will become grown-ups who will stand up for what they want, stand up for what's right, reject temptations and even commands to do wrong, and when they feel someone has been offended by them to immediately go and make peace with that person?

You can beat obedience into a kid. You can make a kid grow up to be an obedient adult. But, the 2nd type? You can't force that. In fact, "punishing" and "spanking" kids really makes the second scenario impossible. 

My daughter did this out of her own heart's desire to fix what she felt was wrong and she clearly FELT bad for how she'd treated her dad. Her focus was on the failings of her own behavior that she all on her own identified as her "being mean."

You can train a kid to go apologize...out of compulsion and perhaps after years of it can make them form a habit. But, the sincere desire that my 4 y/o had in her heart that compelled her from the inside to go fix what she'd done wrong can only come from love...never fear.

So, why does a little girl that has so much love for her mom n' dad...who feels so safe in her relationship with them..."disobey?" 

A dear friend of mine in Canada reminded me of Jesus' words that, "If you love Me you will obey my commands" so maybe it all comes down to the relationship at the moment? And, maybe if our children "disobey" maybe we need to focus on encouraging their love...not obedience? If Jesus says that we will obey if we love Him? What comes first is the love and the obedience follows? Not, that our children must prove they love us by obeying? 

So many people think that spanking/hitting is God's way and that God's ultimate goal is obedience. But, clearly...the only way to inspire true obedience that springs from a heart is love. 

God has never said He wants complaint people. Obedient. Compliance comes from fear, training, force, and knowing who's boss.

Obedience comes from love.

I see it time and time again that the whole thing with not spanking/hitting them...pays off for us in the end. I have had kids who I did spank/hit for disobedience, and, they never did stuff like this spontaneous apology. They were always too concerned with "covering their own butts" that they couldn't really see what they were doing in a situation like that...as tho' the huge threat of pain stood between them and the mirror that they needed to look into to see themselves. All they saw was the threat of that hiney whackin'!!! And, with that monster looming over them all they could do was attack it...with rationalizations, denials, excuses, and counter attacks...

Perfect love casts out fear. 

My little one's not afraid of us.

I guess it could be said equally in reverse...fear casts out perfect love.

It's a sickening thought to think of what would change in our relationship with her if we were to begin to focus on punishment and spanking/hitting her for not obeying!

And...you definitely reap what you sow. 

The fruit is delicious and nutritious ;)

"It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance"

Guest Post: a lesson in hypocrisy(ies) ....no penance required

i walked into my daughter's room to wake her for the day, sat down on her bed and looked over at her math workbook and the goniometer (a math tool) setting there amidst blankets and a million other things, and thought "she's going to lose that in this sh#$hole." 

<i'm so irritated at and frustrated with and overwhelmed by their messes.>

 i awoke her--and in the process of standing up and walking out of her room i made a subconscious choice, followed through mechanically, and forgot what i'd done (which you'll soon realize, which you can probably already guess). 

she came out of her room, we ate breakfast, got started on math; i asked her where her workbook and goniometer were, she promptly found the first but said she couldn't find the latter. 

i promptly told her she had to--couldn't do anything else in fact until she did so (because, i was thinking, she's the one who left it in that pile of crap on her bed). 

she insisted it wasn't there; i insisted it was, i'd seen it when i went in to wake her. she set about searching, high and low (between and under and against and inside and on top of...), in that room--and i didn't help ("why should i" i reasoned internally, "it's her mess, her irresponsibility, and i have other things to do"). 

she was exasperated and upset, and i remained insistent (up on my parental adult-with-authority platform) that she find it, although i did (with pious grace) let her know it wouldn't be needed for a couple days...but after that it would be, so "it better be found before then." 

....and all the while i had a tiny inkling of a thought that maybe i had picked it up and carried it out with me, knowing it'd get lost in the shuffle of sheets and stuff; and a recollection of a time or two or three when i had wrongly accused my kids of losing things and ended up finding them right where i'd set them; and a remembrance of the feeling of remorse after such times and the determination to not do it again ....but i ignored all such thoughts <i'm sorry God for not listening> and plowed ahead with placing blame on summer. 

....and then (later that morning)--i lifted up several items (my items) in a pile (my pile) on the dining room table, and there was the goniometer, right where i'd set it. 

--it's no wonder i had no recollection where i'd put it, my stuff and piles of stuff scattered around the house as they are. 

i apologized, and thought of what i must do to make it right--pay her? buy her a gift? --i felt the need to do penance. but in her face i saw forgiveness, humor even--she laughed at me, and smiled. "you've done it before mom, it's ok." 

and i've been thinking--when my children throw fits (which is what i did), when they act disgusted by me and say unkind things and make false assumptions and take their anger and frustration out on me (all that is uncomfortably personally familiar), and then when they come around (which they always do) and apologize, and reconnect....do i as the adult feel the need to administer punishment--take away a privilege, hang onto my (righteous) anger, require penance? ...or do i smile, maybe even laugh, and forgive, no holds barred, no penance required? 

--do i extend to my children the same grace they give to me?

that is the "footage" i will hold in my mind and heart--the image of my daughter's sweet smile, the sound of her gentle laugh, the feel of her forgiveness and absence of punishing anger, the lack of expectations for penance. and that is the grace i will extend to my children.

by Heather Schopp