Guest Post: Epic moment for a gently parented child

This is a story posted on Facebook by a friend who is committed to parenting his children with gentleness. It is an example of the marks that gentle parenting leave on a child and is shared here with permission.

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Really cool story about Aizen from today. 

It's important to explain something first though -- for daily activities like going to school or in the summer going to the community centre for summer camp Aizen establishes a specific ritual of activities he has to complete going in to the building or coming out of the building. If this gets disrupted it can massively throw Aizen off -- think Obsessive Compulsive Disorder reaction. He needs to start and finish it without interruption. 

Also he will have layered in rituals with different people -- usually I'm picking him up or dropping him off places so he layers routines in with me. 

He gets so anxious to start them that in the summer Dee has to come to meet with his support worker so they can talk about his day -- with just me we wouldn't get much communication in because he wants to get going on his ritual. 

Swapping a person out mid ritual (switching from me to Dee for example) can result in a full blown meltdown. 

So currently this ritual revolves around doors -- he has to open and close specific doors in the stairwell in the parking garage on the way up to the car a certain number of times. 

As I mentioned it takes place with me -- I'm familiar with the rhythm of everything at this point so it goes smoothly and he can stabilize himself for what is coming up next. 

When we were leaving the community centre today we met up with a lady who needed an oxygen tank to breath -- this was fascinating to Aizen because he loves his helium balloons -- so he announced she had a helium tank with her and starting scripting about balloons. I explained it was an oxygen tank and she smiled and said it was a breathing machine. I tried to explain his balloon thing to her but she didn't really get it hehe -- however she was leaving the community centre at the same time an when we got out the door she asked me to help her to her car. She needed to switch apparatuses so that her oxygen tank was directly behind her and she needed help to do this. 

Keep in mind this is mid ritual -- we were about to get to the stairwell, and helping was a disruption. 

I decided to give it a try though -- I told Aizen *stop and wait* since he was about 20 feet in front of us hehe -- I explained to him what we were doing and that we were helping the lady. He stood patiently while I helped to retrieve the driving apparatus from the car, transfer the tank over, and put the walking apparatus in the back seat. 

By this time Dee was coming out after talking to his support worker and she called him over to her to go up to the car with her -- he protested in one sentence, but then went with her and only requested they didn't ride the elevator so he could do his doors. 

So two things -- First -- he stopped mid ritual, and waited while I was helping the lady -- he didn't touch her equipment and he waited patiently at a little post in the sidewalk. 

Second -- he switched out the primary person for this ritual and successfully got to the car without heightened anxiety. 

I know this may seem like such a little thing to many folks -- but trust me this is HUGE. Not even 6 months ago this would have triggered a pretty epic meltdown -- and just trying to get him to not touch the lady's equipment would have been nearly impossible. Wall of text -- but a pretty epic moment for the little guy =)

Dear Ezzo Mom

Dear Ezzo Mom,

Hi. I’m the wife of one of your little boys. I thought you might want to hear how all your hard work and commitment to training up your child turned out and what it was all for. Essentially, much of your sacrificing was for me, because now your little boy is my husband, the head of my household. He’s the rock to which I tether myself in storms. And he’s the father of my own little boys.

So many nights ago, all those years in the past, you sacrificed your heart. You laid in bed night after night, as he cried out to you. His screams piercing the air, and your heart. You laid there hoping and praying he would finally just stop and learn to sleep. It was even physically painful for you at times. Sometimes you cried. Sometimes you got up and went to his door, but you didn’t give in. You stood there, outside the door, silencing your own cries as you listened to his raspy tiny little voice, the volume and strength of the cries lessening and lessening. He had a lesson he needed to learn for his future, and you made it happen.

Even after he learned to sleep there were times you wanted to throw in the towel. Sometimes managing him by keeping to schedules seemed impossible. Waking him when he was sleeping soundly, or putting him down wide-awake so that he would learn to sleep on a schedule. Feeding him when he didn’t seem he wanted fed, and making him wait to eat when he acted like he was starving. He had a lesson he needed to learn for his future, and you made it happen.

And there was the invisible, yet vital barrier you erected around you and your husband. You and he on one side, inside the friendship circle, and your little boy, my husband, on the outside. Never allowing yourself to cross the “friendship” line, no matter how tempting, never making my husband your “buddy,” but making sure he observed you and your husband having this friendship, ensured he knew the proper structure of authority in your home, and felt secure. He had a lesson he needed to learn for his future, and you made it happen.

You taught him to say, “Please,” and “Thank-You,” and to be submissive to his parents in all things. You even taught him to quietly, and appreciatively, to accept his punishments.

Now he is grown. Your labors have ceased. The fruits of the lessons he learned are no longer in the future, but are happening now, and you made it all happen.

What did he take into the future, into “now,” back when he was crying in his crib at night, all alone, calling out sometimes just to be held, to the primary woman in his world?

As his wife, I can say he learned the drives for closeness aren’t worth crying out about, because they change nothing. Now it is I who lay in bed at night, my body aching, as he lay silently next to me, crying out for me only on the inside, never the outside.

And did he learn to sleep? This vital skill for life? As I listen to him day after day, complaining about having headaches, not being able to remember things, and feeling so tired because, he says, he can’t sleep, I would say no. Life, after all, doesn’t operate on a neat schedule. His body was taught sleep was according to a clock, and had nothing to do with being tired or being ready to waken. So now that his life can’t allow him a perfectly silent room to sleep in from 8:00pm to 8:00am, his body seems to have no idea what to do.

And, worst of all for me, after living the first 18 years of his life on the outside of the invisible barrier of friendship between his mom and dad, he now seems not to know how to breach it, to be part of the friendship circle on the inside. He seems to always participate in our life together an observer, apart from me somehow, never fully connected.

He still says, “Please,” and “Thank-You,” sure. He’s quite polite, and never complains. But this is a marriage. Sometimes he has to feel quite irritated with me, yet, through it all he has remained submissive to the parents in his home, basically me, his wife. Never crossing me, because he learned “back-talk” is not acceptable, and that crying out or complaining when he feels the need doesn’t change the world, anyway. So he holds everything in, seeks solace in being alone, and falling asleep. He self-soothes, but is never comforted.

The lessons he learned as a helpless baby, when his cries never changed his world, never got him the closeness he needed have stuck. The lessons he learned where sleep and food were not things that happened according to his body’s natural needs, but according to a clock, have stuck. By disregarding his natural needs to be fed, not fed, woken, laid down to sleep, and held when he signaled the need for it, you taught him those desires are not legitimate, and you failed to teach him the proper way to fulfill those needs, teaching him only to ignore them.

Today, he not only has no idea how to meet his own needs now, he has no idea what they even are. And all he knows is that he’s perfectly unhappy. Can’t sleep. Can’t connect with his wife or kids. Suffers headaches because he can’t sleep, or forgets to eat, because his stomach signaling "hunger" means nothing to him.

He learned all too well, that he is powerless and for his discomfort to go away he must submit, go to sleep, and wait for it all to be better. The relief of the drive for those things would be met by the woman in his life who would fulfil those needs according to her own timetable.

So, thanks, Ezzo Mom, for making sure my husband could never learn what his needs are, and how to fulfill them. Thanks for teaching him to submit to me, to never speak up for himself. And most of all, thank-you for teaching him he is powerless. It was always my dream to marry a quitter, because we all tend to love others the same way we love ourselves. And so not only has he no clue what to do about his own desires, he has no idea what to do with mine.

Sincerely,

Your Son’s Unhappy Wife

Testing the Spirit of the Advice you Follow

Some of the most popular books in the bookstores are ones on how to raise children.

Christians, obviously, filter thru all the books out there to find the ones written by Christians. Christians want only godly advice, to raise up godly children. And when it comes to choosing the right books, we rely on this teaching...

1 John 4

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world. 

So, we check to see if whoever it is "confesses Christ" or not.
But Satan and his minions are what? Liars. Yes? So, if you ask him or his little worker-bees, “Are you Christian,” what will they say? Will they tell you the truth? Or will he twist God's word and toss it back to you like colorful beach ball and hope you catch it and play along? 

When satan was attempting to take down Jesus, he tossed scripture at Him. But Jesus saw thru satan's attempt to manipulate Him thru quoting scripture, didn't He?

Eve, however...she wasn't so smart, was she?

So...if we can't rely on what people say...how do we test those spirits then, to see if they really ARE from God or not?

1 John 1:6

If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth;

We look at the walk...and...

Luke 6:43

For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor, on the other hand, a bad tree which produces good fruit.

Luke 6:44

For each tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from a briar bush.

Matthew 7:17

So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit.

Matthew 7:18

A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit.

Matthew 7:19

Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

Matthew 7:20

So then, you will know them by their fruits.

You look at the fruit.

The walk, and the fruits tell all.

So when it comes to all the many child-rearing manuals out there...what could they be advising that would indicate that they are "confessing" that Christ has come in the flesh? What was Christ all about? Why'd He come?

Isaiah 61:1

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners;

Galatians 5:1

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

Freedom.

One of the very foundational things we're told about why Christ died...was for freedom. It was for freedom He went to the cross and did all that suffering.

Romans 1 says anything you want to know is evident in the Creation, and the life-robbing qualities of freedom's opposite are evident all over Creation. One sure-fire way to make any animal develop bad and even dangerous characteristics...is to cage them. And all around the world, universally, we see that "slavery" and "captivity" are the worst states a human can be in. People of every religion and philosophy will fight to the death...to be free.

So here's one question to start with: Does the child-rearing advice you're reading...focus on freedom...or on control? 

And what is the fruit in your child? Does your following of that author's advice lead to your child working on keeping watch over their every step? Does your book lead your children to feeling led, guided, safe, and free? Or...controlled, managed, and afraid? Do your children feel free, or like they are in a cage of rules and regulations?

Caging in Creation leads to bad fruit.

Freedom leads to good fruit.

So, would you think advice that focuses on teaching parents to manage, control and monitor their children is "confessing that Christ has come in the flesh...to die to set us free"? This is crucial because it is, "By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God."

"But my children are good and obedient!" Yes! But are they free? Do they obey freely? Do they obey out of love, with the freedom to disobey? Or do they obey out of fear?

I'm not talking about letting kids "run wild." Boundaries are good and necessary for freedom.

The lines in the highway which "confine" me to my lane make me safe and free to drive. Without the lines, I'm controlled by fear and am not free. But it's one thing to put lines in the road to show me where to drive, and another thing entirely to sit in the car with me and tell me what to do, where to go, and keep one hand on the steering wheel while I drive. 

Defining the boundary leaves me free to drive.
Keeping one hand on the steering wheel makes my act of driving "slavery".

It was for freedom that Christ died. His sacrifice defines the boundary.

There is no fear in love.

God is love.

By advising you to manage, control, and monitor your children's every move...not only are both you and your children not free...they are sending you backwards, out of the New Testament into the Old...

Galatians 2:21

I do not nullify the grace of God, 

for if righteousness comes through the Law, 

then Christ died needlessly.”

Therefore...no matter what those authors say about themselves and their advice...no matter what pastors and "the Church" at large says about those authors...the Bible has one place for their advice...

Matthew 7:19

Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

We reap what we sow...

Say you planted some seeds in your back yard...believing them to be cherry trees... You watered and weeded and took care of those seeds, watched them turn into saplings and finally a tree. 

Everything would seem to be going along just fine and according to your plan until...

Apples???

When that tree bore fruit...you'd realize your mistake, right?

Now, imagine you're talking to the person who planted this tree...as you stand before that tree in their yard with the bright shiny apples hanging on it and they say, "This is just so weird because...it's actually a cherry tree!"

Would you even know how to respond to someone who'd say that? Wouldn't you just look at them and wonder what they're on? What kind of brain damage they might have?

Now, imagine the person who planted the tree says, "I know what I'll do to fix this! I'll...climb up there and pull all those apples off! Then! Then it will cease to be an apple tree! And, I can just attach some cherries to it! Yes! That's how I'll change this apple tree into a cherry tree!"

Just...wow, right?

In Genesis we're told right away that things reproduce after their own kind and Jesus says that even with people..."You shall know them by their fruit..." The fruit doesn't make the tree, it simply identifies it...

When Jesus said we would know people by their fruits...what was He talking about? What are our human version of "fruits"?

Behavior.

Our behavior...isn't the problem. Our behavior doesn't make us who we are...it identifies what's inside us. It shows the world what's in us what really makes us who we are. 

Most "Christian" child rearing manuals focus on controlling the child's behavior...or fruit. Undesirable fruit is cut off (with spankings and punishments and threats of those) and desirable fruit is forcefully attached. Then, parents stand back in confusion and wonder when undesirable fruit takes over the tree at adolescence. 

When a child reaches adolescence, it's a common belief for Christians that children "rebel" as though that's a natural stage of development like crawling and walking, but it's not. If Jesus is telling the truth, you reap what you sow. The "rebellion" is the child's heart producing fruit that can no longer be repressed by threats, spankings, and punishments. The "rebellion" is fruit that's been there all along but been torn off by the parents, ignored, or replaced by more desirable fruit.

So, look at your kids and ask yourself what fruit you're seeing...that's the fruit of the seeds you've planted in them...

Parents who focus on threats, spanking, and punishments address the issue of negative fruits by "attempting to remove all the apples from the tree." Often, in the case of the "rebellious" adolescent, parents do this very aggressively, trying to tear off all the fruit they don't like and even forcing them to have "different fruit"...but it won't change their tree...

To get natural fruit that's the fruit you want to see...you must plant those...because Jesus said you reap what you sow...

So, you want children full of the fruits of the spirit? You must plant those kinds of seeds.

God is the one who wrote the Bible and created all these analogies/metaphors with nature to teach us and He said...you reap what you sow and plants bear seeds after their own kind.

How do you plant seeds and where do the seeds come from?

Do you...lecture the dirt?

Do you beat the dirt?

Do you threaten the dirt?

Do you deprive the dirt of things?

No? 

Then how do you plant seeds?

By getting your hands dirty...usually on your hands and knees...and being patient...

That means that to plant the seeds of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control in your child...you must get your hands dirty with those things.

And...a gentle reminder to look to yourself is...since seeds bear seeds after their own kind...YOU must be the plant...that produces those seeds...

You cannot plant love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control with anger, frustration, upset, impatience, desire to punish, harshness, pain, and other-control.

If Jesus is telling the truth...you reap what you sow...so despising and fighting the fruit is...well...fruitless...

And, you tell me? Who would want you to use pain, fear, and other-control to raise your child (the way so many believe is the proper use of 'the rod')? Who would want to see you planting seeds of pain, fear, and everything that goes along with being hit by a parent? God? Or, that roaring lion who's prowling around seeking someone to devour?

Look at yourself. Imagine yourself in the mirror all throughout the day. What seeds ARE you planting in your children? 

Look at the log in your own eye because if you're planting seeds of pain, fear, and other-control...you are producing seeds after your kind...and rather than worrying about your child not displaying the fruits of the spirit, you need to ask yourself why you're not...

When the seeds you produce and plant are seeds of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...then you'll begin to see different fruit in yourself and in your children...

Your children are watching you...
The world is watching you...
The world sees your fruit and the fruit in your children...

Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

Galatians 6:1

Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. 

2 Tim. 2:15

Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.

1 Tim. 4:16

But if you bear the name “Jew” (or Christian parent) and rely upon the Law (the rod) and boast in God, and know His will and approve the things that are essential, being instructed out of the Law, and are confident that you yourself are a guide to the blind, a light to those who are in darkness, a corrector of the foolish (able to judge, spank, and punish), a teacher of the immature, having in the Law the embodiment of knowledge and of the truth, you, therefore, who teach another, do you not teach yourself? 

You who preach that one shall not steal, do you steal? 

You who say that one should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? 

You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 

(You who teaches your children not to hit one another, do you hit?)

You who boast in the Law, through your breaking the Law, do you dishonor God? 

(You who punish your children for being disobedient, do you drive the speed limit? Do you obey authority?)

For “THE NAME OF GOD IS BLASPHEMED AMONG THE GENTILES BECAUSE OF YOU,” just as it is written. (because the world sees your hypocrisy)

Romans 2:17