Guest Post from the "Anti Spanking Fight Club" on Facebook

I keep hearing about this "calm spanking" being the one true way to hit a child. I've yet to meet ANY parent who "calmly" spanked. And I'm speaking of Christian and other folk who have claimed that they practice this with their children. Hitting is violence, it causes the adrenal gland to over produce in both the parent, and the unfortunate child.

That's why so many adults who were spanked as children suffer from anxiety, and tend to be fearful. That's why adults who were spanked have a tendency to have weight issues. That's why adults who were spanked don't go outside of their familiar boxes, and they do "safe" things, like jobs where they don't have to think too deeply.

That's why emotions are scary. Feelings are scary. They are terrified of making mistakes. Decisions are painful. So they don't take chances.

That's why they tend to live in the same town forever. That's why adults who were hit have a tendency towards bigotry because they are fearful of different people.

That's why they get headaches and have stomach problems disproportionately over adults who were never spanked. Adults who were raised in true calm environments where purposely inflicted pain was not a part of their upbringing have less fears and are more open to diversity and new experiences.

That's why they feel their biggest accomplishment is never going to jail. That's why they become angry and emotional when they hear of parents who don't practice hurting children's bodies.

How devestating to realize that you were hit for nothing! So the "calmly spanked" adult makes untrue value judgements such as "children who are not spanked shoot up schools." Or "children who are not spanked are lazy and entitled."

And...that's why adults who were hit, hit their own children.

There is no such thing as a "calm" spanking, or an adult who is "perfectly fine" who was calmly spanked as a child. Not saying that people who were hit are terrible people, or dysfunctional people, but you're not "fine" no one is totally "fine" and that in it's self is delusional if you feel that being spanked made you into a great person. None of us are unscathed, even under the most loving of circumstances.

Life hurts at times.

I've been in this world for awhile, I've known you "calmly" spanked adults. Many of you, and you're not fine. You're just blind to your many issues because you were taught to not feel. I'm not writing this to be mean, my heart breaks for you. You are my family, my love ones, my friends and my neighbors. I'm married to a man raised in a "calm spanking" household. Yes you love your parents, yes they loved you, but they were wrong, their parents were wrong and no one is "perfectly fine" for surviving a painful childhood.

Let's do better by our children. Give them a true calm and peaceful upbringing that is pain free. So they don't have to just be "fine." Let's aim for our children to thrive!

Check out Anti Spanking Fight Club on Facebook

Is spanking in 1 Corinthians 13?

Love. It's what God is. It's what makes us happy and healthy. It's what bonds people in marriage. It's what makes anything hard worth doing. Love. People live for it. People die for it. 

The Bible says God is love, and tells us in 1 Corinthians 13 what love looks like...

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is not jealous
Love does not brag
Love does not act unbecomingly
Love does not seek its own
Love is not provoked
Love does not keep a list of your wrongdoings
Love does not get excited about wrongdoing
Love rejoices with the truth
Love bears all things
Love believes all things
Love hopes all things
Love endures all things
Love always wins

We're told...

"Let all that you do be done in love."

"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus..."

"Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

So...if you are a proponent of spanking...which aspect of Love does spanking reflect?

Is spanking patient?
Is spanking kind?
Is spanking acting becomingly? Is it pleasant to behold? Is it something you can do out in the open without shame?

If you can't fit spanking into the love chapter...maybe that's because it's not there. Maybe that's because spanking isn't an act of love...Maybe...there is no such thing as spanking in love...

What happens to kids if you don't spank?

So, yesterday...I'm at Sam's Club with three of my daughters. The youngest, age 6, has never been spanked...or "punished" to be taught lessons.

We're on our way through the store and she got "stuck." She decided she wanted me to buy a case of soda (which our family will consume in 12 hours and so I rarely buy it) and I just said, "No." She didn't feel like I was hearing her, I guess, and she really wanted me to buy sodas! So, she lingered behind, angry. My 11 y/o walked back to where she was and reached out to grab her arm and "make" her come along with us, but it didn't work out that way.

The 6 y/o stood her ground, grabbed her sister's hand and dug in her finger nails, breaking the skin in one place.

So, now...it's my turn. What am I going to do about this situation? What lesson will I teach and what will the 6 y/o take with her into adulthood regarding this moment? What example am I about to set?

At first, I was tempted to fall back into my old ways and do the lazy thing...and just scold her and tell her to tell her sister, "sorry." That temptation is always there. 10 years ago I'd have ended the whole situation in a matter of seconds and just scolded, and spanked that child. 

But, trouble is...even when I'm out in public and "busy"...if I'm supposed to be teaching my little daughter how to be a good and godly adult someday...I myself have to resist the temptations to be "bad" and handle my problems the same way that 6 y/o just did (by striking). One of the biggest lessons I'll ever teach is my example, true? And, even in the instantly-gratifying-USA usually the right road isn't the easy one...

Matthew 7:12-14

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it." 

So, I stopped shopping, knelt down, and I asked her why she wanted the sodas so badly? She told me that she'd wanted to have some to share with everyone at home. 

I asked her, "If I did something really mean to Dad to get you a toy would you be happy about that?"

She said she would not.

I asked her, "Do you think the other kids at home would be happy to know that she'd hurt Evy to be able to get them the sodas?"

She said they would not.

I then pointed out some other things to her...

- you were mad at me and so you were mean to your sister and that's not fair to her.

- your sister is only trying to help you and you hurt her because you were mad at me and that wasn't nice.

- when you feel better, which you will in a few minutes, your sister's hand is still going to hurt and that's not fair. She will have pain in her hand for a long time when you feel all better and it wasn't even her fault you were mad.

These are all things a grown-up can process and understand, true? But, little kids need to be taught how to see and process these things... (actually, sometimes grown-ups need help with this...and I wonder why?)

Because kidnapping is something our family has dealt with in real life in the past (* see below), I also asked her, "What do you think your sister would do if a bad guy came in the store and tried to take you?"

Her eyes got wide and serious...and totally focused on me. (Because she was not sitting there afraid of anything I was about to do to her...I had her full attention. She was not even a little bit focused on doing something to avoid pain...she was only listening to what I was going to say next...)

She said she thought her sister would try to help her. I agreed and added to it, "And, you know what? She would jump on that guy and do anything she could to stop him from hurting you or stealing you even if it meant that he would hurt her or even kill her."

Her eyes...at this point are totally glued to me. She was focused on what I was trying to teach her.

I then pointed out to her that she had just hurt that person who would even die for her all because she was mad at me. I asked her what she thought of that? She said that she thought it was very bad and mean. And, I then reminded her that she needs to never hurt the people who really care about her. 

At this point now...she was almost crying. 

And...she was not almost crying because...she was afraid I was going to spank her. She was not almost crying because she had just gotten her hiney smacked and was in pain. She was not almost crying because of anything to do with her outsides..but because she realized deep within her little heart...what she had done wrong to her sister. I'd gotten inside her heart...where the motivations (only part of our behavior that matters) for our behavior are...

Matthew 15:16-19

Jesus said, “Are you still lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.

I picked her up then and told her how much I loved her and she just held me. I sat her butt on the cart's handle and pushed my way down the aisle with her in my arms till we got to the next thing I needed to throw in the cart and then I set her down.

Half way down the aisle...she was all better. And, she was also "a better person". She had learned a bunch of lessons...And, she looked "happy." She wasn't nursing her wounds (sore butt) and she wasn't upset at all for herself...

"the truth had set her free."

The two older ones were not where we could see them as we rounded the next aisle and I hear behind me that sweet little voice ask, "Where's Evy? I need to tell her sorry!"

And, as soon as we were all reunited she told her sister she was sorry and looked like she really meant it...because it had come from her own heart and was not something she was forced to say out of fear...

A lot of parents would feel like she "got away with it" and it's a really sad sad attitude for a parent to have because retribution...pay-backs...revenge for wrongs...is not for us to dole out to anyone. And, that is exactly what is in the heart of a person who feels someone needs to suffer so as to "not get away with" something. If you feel your child "needs to pay for what they did wrong" or "learn their lesson" by suffering...you're doing it wrong.

My little unspanked 6 y/o definitely "learned her lesson" in my several-minute disciplinary session with her.

She learned that...
- mom cares enough to stop what she's doing to help her
- mom won't hurt her when she's bad
- mom will tell her the truth when she's bad
- finding out that truth can hurt but helps you become a better person
- there is hope to become a better person when you make mistakes
- mom will still love her after she's been bad
- she should not hurt the people who love her
- she should not hurt people when she's mad
- when she lashes out at someone in anger that person will suffer for a while and that it's not fair
- her sister would probably die for her

These lessons will apply even when no one is around to punish her if she does something mean or bad again. She will not consider behaving this way in the context of, "Is anyone looking? Can I get away with it?" because she will never "get away" with behaving like this even if she is the only one to see because these lessons are in her heart now...

And, they would all be made invisible if they were in the shadow of a painful spanking.

Romans 12:19 

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.

And, not just her...but me, too. What would I have missed out on had I been of the "spare the rod..." mindset an felt that I needed to "teach her a lesson" using my body against hear body and not my mind and heart connected to hers? I, too, would have lost out and learned a lousy lesson. The negative effects of spanking aren't just the child's...they're ours, too.

I encourage you...

Really look at how you act when you are "disciplining" your child. What example are you setting?

Really look at what you are teaching them. 

Really look at what lessons they have absorbed. What lessons have you absorbed?

And, have you just taught that lesson with your body? Or...your mind and heart?

And, mostly...remember...that there is no fear in love. You may think you lovingly spank your children, but if they have fear of being spanked...there is no love in that. And, that fear will ruin any lesson you ever want to teach them...

Let the violence in the church stop!

Matthew 11:12

From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force.

- - -

*KIDNAPPING and our family

Tori's dad was 4 when his parents went to Guatemala. He lived there 40 years. At one point in time there was a kidnapping ring in operation and Grandpa was on that list. One morning, my husband awoke to the sound of the dogs barking angrily. Armed men were "escorting" one of the neighbors and 2 of her children toward my husband's home. 

Grandpa fled into the jungle. The kidnappers shot the family dog in front of them. Then, they took Grandma, one of Tori's aunts, and 2 houseguests. Ransom was demanded or they'd be killed. A military shoot-out with the kidnappers is what finally freed them.

A few years before that Tori's dad was taken out into the jungle and held at gunpoint while communist guerrillas burned their mission compound and my husband's airplanes. Tori's dad was to be executed that night but was released when help arrived.

When I lived there from 2000-2010 we had friends who were kidnapped and executed.

Finally, we were present when a mob burned a man alive and went bezerk for 3 days - chasing the police and army out of town. Tori's dad was taken hostage by the mob and I got a phone call from him during this informing me to get the kids out "now!" because our home was threatened. It was the most terrifying day of my life.

After that, there were rumors of people wanting to kidnap one of our children...and so now we live in Florida...(where even here we have wacko's who like to snag and harm kids.) 

So, if anyone thinks it's "over the top" or an attempt to terrify my child into contrition by bringing up the "bad guy taking her" I think you better understand why I said that. It's a topic that all my kids have heard about and can totally relate to in a way your average American kid cannot...

There is a book about my husband's family available here...

Spanking must be done in love?

Spanking...according to most Christians...in order to be done the "right way" (God's way)...must be done "in love" and never done in anger.

So, let's see. How did God strike/hit/spank Israel in the Old Testament?

Let's look at what the Bible says...

Deuteronomy 9:8 Even at Horeb you provoked the LORD to wrath, and the LORD was so angry with you that He would have destroyed you.

Deuteronomy 9:19 For I was afraid of the anger and hot displeasure with which the LORD was wrathful against you in order to destroy you, but the LORD listened to me that time also.

2 Kings 22:17 Because they have forsaken Me and have burned incense to other gods that they might provoke Me to anger with all the work of their hands, therefore My wrath burns against this place, and it shall not be quenched.”’

2 Chronicles 12:7 When the LORD saw that they humbled themselves, the word of the LORD came to Shemaiah, saying, “ They have humbled themselves so I will not destroy them, but I will grant them some measure of deliverance, and My wrath shall not be poured out on Jerusalem by means of Shishak.

2 Chronicles 34:25 Because they have forsaken Me and have burned incense to other gods, that they might provoke Me to anger with all the works of their hands; therefore My wrath will be poured out on this place and it shall not be quenched.”’

Job 42:7 It came about after the LORD had spoken these words to Job, that the LORD said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends, because you have not spoken of Me what is right as My servant Job has.

Isaiah 60:10 “Foreigners will build up your walls, And their kings will minister to you; For in My wrath I struck you, And in My favor I have had compassion on you.

Isaiah 63:3 “I have trodden the wine trough alone, And from the peoples there was no man with Me. I also trod them in My anger And trampled them in My wrath; And their lifeblood is sprinkled on My garments, And I stained all My raiment.

Isaiah 63:6 “I trod down the peoples in My anger And made them drunk in My wrath, And I poured out their lifeblood on the earth.”

Jeremiah 4:4 “Circumcise yourselves to the LORD And remove the foreskins of your heart, Men of Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem, Or else My wrath will go forth like fire And burn with none to quench it, Because of the evil of your deeds.”

Jeremiah 7:20 Therefore thus says the Lord GOD, “Behold, My anger and My wrath will be poured out on this place, on man and on beast and on the trees of the field and on the fruit of the ground; and it will burn and not be quenched.”

Jeremiah 21:5 I Myself will war against you with an outstretched hand and a mighty arm, even in anger and wrath and great indignation.

Jeremiah 21:12 O house of David, thus says the LORD: “ Administer justice every morning; And deliver the person who has been robbed from the power of his oppressor, That My wrath may not go forth like fire And burn with none to extinguish it, Because of the evil of their deeds.

Jeremiah 25:15 For thus the LORD, the God of Israel, says to me, “Take this cup of the wine of wrath from My hand and cause all the nations to whom I send you to drink it.

Jeremiah 32:37 Behold, I will gather them out of all the lands to which I have driven them in My anger, in My wrath and in great indignation; and I will bring them back to this place and make them dwell in safety.

Jeremiah 33:5 ‘While they are coming to fight with the Chaldeans and to fill them with the corpses of men whom I have slain in My anger and in My wrath, and I have hidden My face from this city because of all their wickedness:

Jeremiah 42:18 For thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, “As My anger and wrath have been poured out on the inhabitants of Jerusalem, so My wrath will be poured out on you when you enter Egypt. And you will become a curse, an object of horror, an imprecation and a reproach; and you will see this place no more.”

Jeremiah 44:6 Therefore My wrath and My anger were poured out and burned in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem, so they have become a ruin and a desolation as it is this day.

Ezekiel 5:13 ‘Thus My anger will be spent and I will satisfy My wrath on them, and I will be appeased; then they will know that I, the LORD, have spoken in My zeal when I have spent My wrath upon them.

Ezekiel 6:12 He who is far off will die by the plague, and he who is near will fall by the sword, and he who remains and is besieged will die by the famine. Thus will I spend My wrath on them.

Hosea 13:11 I gave you a king in My anger And took him away in My wrath.

Hebrews 3:11 AS I SWORE IN MY WRATH, ‘THEY SHALL NOT ENTER MY REST.’”

Hmmm…kinda' looks to me like God does not strike "in love". 

Maybe I'm just getting the wrong...impression...

Here's a few more verses you can look at and decide for yourself...

  1. Numbers 25:11

1. 2 Kings 22:17
2. 2 Chronicles 12:7
3. 2 Chronicles 34:25
4. Job 42:7
5. Psalm 138:7
6. Isaiah 48:9
7. Isaiah 60:10
8. Isaiah 63:3
9. Isaiah 63:5
10. Isaiah 63:6
11. Jeremiah 4:4
12. Jeremiah 7:20
13. Jeremiah 21:5
14. Jeremiah 21:12
15. Jeremiah 25:15
16. Jeremiah 32:31
17. Jeremiah 32:37
18. Jeremiah 33:5
19. Jeremiah 42:18
20. Jeremiah 44:6
21. Ezekiel 5:13
22. Ezekiel 6:12
23. Ezekiel 7:8
24. Ezekiel 7:14
25. Ezekiel 8:18
26. Ezekiel 9:8
27. Ezekiel 13:13
28. Ezekiel 13:15
29. Ezekiel 14:19
30. Ezekiel 20:8
31. Ezekiel 20:13
32. Ezekiel 20:21
33. Ezekiel 21:17
34. Ezekiel 21:31
35. Ezekiel 22:20
36. Ezekiel 22:21
37. Ezekiel 22:22
38. Ezekiel 22:31
39. Ezekiel 23:25
40. Ezekiel 24:13
41. Ezekiel 25:14
42. Ezekiel 25:17
43. Ezekiel 30:15
44. Ezekiel 36:6
45. Ezekiel 36:18
46. Ezekiel 38:19
47. Hosea 5:10
48. Hosea 11:9
49. Hosea 13:11
50. Zechariah 6:8
51. Hebrews 3:11
52. Hebrews 4:3

Looks to me like God always struck in anger...so if we're to strike our children if we are to imitate God...we should be striking in anger and not in "love."

Also...you can go to http://nasb.literalword.com and search on a variety of words yourself...and see who, what, when, where, why, and how Jesus struck people in the New Testament. If you investigate this topic you will discover that...truth is...

Graphic above from http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com

If you're an advocate of corporal punishment you should be doing these searches and asking these questions...as not much could be more important than how you treat your children...

Matthew 18:5-7

And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.“Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes!

Mark 9:41-43

“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe to stumble, it would be better for him if, with a heavy millstone hung around his neck, he [ab]had been cast into the sea. If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life crippled, than, having your two hands, to go into hell, into the unquenchable fire, [where their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched.]

Luke 17:1-3

He said to His disciples, “It is inevitable that [a]stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble. Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.