Guest Post from the "Anti Spanking Fight Club" on Facebook

I keep hearing about this "calm spanking" being the one true way to hit a child. I've yet to meet ANY parent who "calmly" spanked. And I'm speaking of Christian and other folk who have claimed that they practice this with their children. Hitting is violence, it causes the adrenal gland to over produce in both the parent, and the unfortunate child.

That's why so many adults who were spanked as children suffer from anxiety, and tend to be fearful. That's why adults who were spanked have a tendency to have weight issues. That's why adults who were spanked don't go outside of their familiar boxes, and they do "safe" things, like jobs where they don't have to think too deeply.

That's why emotions are scary. Feelings are scary. They are terrified of making mistakes. Decisions are painful. So they don't take chances.

That's why they tend to live in the same town forever. That's why adults who were hit have a tendency towards bigotry because they are fearful of different people.

That's why they get headaches and have stomach problems disproportionately over adults who were never spanked. Adults who were raised in true calm environments where purposely inflicted pain was not a part of their upbringing have less fears and are more open to diversity and new experiences.

That's why they feel their biggest accomplishment is never going to jail. That's why they become angry and emotional when they hear of parents who don't practice hurting children's bodies.

How devestating to realize that you were hit for nothing! So the "calmly spanked" adult makes untrue value judgements such as "children who are not spanked shoot up schools." Or "children who are not spanked are lazy and entitled."

And...that's why adults who were hit, hit their own children.

There is no such thing as a "calm" spanking, or an adult who is "perfectly fine" who was calmly spanked as a child. Not saying that people who were hit are terrible people, or dysfunctional people, but you're not "fine" no one is totally "fine" and that in it's self is delusional if you feel that being spanked made you into a great person. None of us are unscathed, even under the most loving of circumstances.

Life hurts at times.

I've been in this world for awhile, I've known you "calmly" spanked adults. Many of you, and you're not fine. You're just blind to your many issues because you were taught to not feel. I'm not writing this to be mean, my heart breaks for you. You are my family, my love ones, my friends and my neighbors. I'm married to a man raised in a "calm spanking" household. Yes you love your parents, yes they loved you, but they were wrong, their parents were wrong and no one is "perfectly fine" for surviving a painful childhood.

Let's do better by our children. Give them a true calm and peaceful upbringing that is pain free. So they don't have to just be "fine." Let's aim for our children to thrive!

Check out Anti Spanking Fight Club on Facebook

I was spanked and I'm...

I was looking thru old emails for something, for someone...and stumbled upon this. It's something I wrote for someone else's blog, on the topic of spanking.

So many people say, "I was spanked and I turned out fine."

Here's my story...I was spanked...and I guess you decide how I turned out...

- - -

The paddle hung on the wall in the laundry room. It was rarely pulled down, but, I could likely print out a photo of it right down to the exact color and grains in the wood if I could hook a cable from my brain to a printer. That paddle just hung there and had no life in itself but looking at it made me feel fear. That paddle equaled pain. 

When I messed up I always knew there was no getting around what was coming next. I understood that I'd done wrong. I was over their knee and then, "Whack! Whack! Whack!" Pain. I never knew how many times I'd get hit or how long it would last. So, I'd just scream and kick. Scream and kick. Then, a scowling disappointed face would tell me to, "never do it again" and walk away. 

I didn't get hit with it much, and never anywhere except my bottom in a "controlled" manner. Nothing that would incite YouTube commenters to agree that I was "abused" but then why didn't I feel loved if I was not abused? Unlike David in the Psalms who looked at God and His "rod" and felt comfort…when I thought of my parents I only felt the same thing I felt when I looked at that paddle: fear.

Was I made into a "better person" by the paddle? 

I didn't commit the same particular offenses twice, but, I don't know that that made me a "better person". It made me clear on what I could and couldn't do without getting in trouble. It made me certain that getting caught doing wrong hurt. And, that knowledge made me craftier and tricksier. 

But, did I feel loved by anyone? Did I feel safety in people? Did I feel accepted by others? Did I feel safe when I messed up? Did I see my parents as a source of refuge and wisdom to take my problems to? Did I feel connected to anyone? As a young person, I felt none of those things. 

And sadly, I would say that the way my parents "raised me up" has not departed far from me…

I never understood why I was so angry and alone as a teenager. But, how else could a child feel whose primary source of love are actually her primary sources of pain and judgment? Regardless of my parents' intent with spanking me…all I knew was what they did…not why. Just like the belief that a plain backpack is actually a parachute will not help you if you jump out of an airplane no matter how strongly you believe it…no matter what my parents believed they were instilling in me that's not what happened. 

I did not learn self-control, self-discipline, respect, and responsibility. I learned those somewhere else…I learned that making mistakes hurts and that the hurting comes from those who love you most. I learned not to trust anyone to be safe and not hurt me. I learned "love" hurts…which is one of the universe's biggest lies and is one sad thing to believe...

Anger…stereotypical "teenage rebellion" isn't something that is a "natural phase" for all teens to go through. It is not something we're born with and a normal developmental milestone like cooing, crawling, and taking our first step. Humans are hardwired for connection…not alienation. We are hardwired to love and to be bonded to others. 

Anger and loneliness was not something I was born with. It was put in me the first time I'd been held down by the people who were supposed to protect and love me and hurt for things I didn't quite understand…and sadly though I function and push my way through things in life I am uncomfortable with some level of success, what was born in me…the hardwiring for connection and love…has forever been re-wired. Those natural connections have been destroyed and the rest of my life since their destruction has been spent in trying to manage the mess…trying just to survive…when I was born to thrive…

06/13/2012

Watch these two videos. You'll see how I am inside...

I can tell you I love God...but these videos are how I feel inside all the time...because of the paddle...