When a child is raised with love being mixed with pain (as in punishments and spankings), no matter how much they want to depart from it...it is hard...
"I feel so frustrated and inadequate. I'm aware more than ever how my upbringing has robbed me of any idea of what it looks like to parent normally, healthfully.
I can read all the books in the world but when it comes crunch time, it's the crap ingrained in me that comes out. No, I don't hit the kids, but I certainly don't always respond to them with wisdom, kindness, and love. I'm easily annoyed and my knee jerk reaction to broken things and messes, saddens me. Cause truly, it's just not a big deal.
Response and relationship is more important. I feel like I'm constantly trying to repair, apologize, assure. I'm worried that my kids are going to struggle with anger, self doubt, self esteem, and the whole array of things that I do because even with all my knowledge and trying to do better, I'm still broken and rubbing off on them."